I got off half an hour early tonight. To be exact, 37 minutes ahead of schedule. The relief was immense. I have not enjoyed these last few nights, truthfully, and when I did clock out, the pressure headaches I get when I stress did not. It eventually ceased. Yay.
I might be headed back to retail soon. Truth is, work is work, but it is a constant source of frustration, and the communication sucks. Staying quiet about things is getting difficult, and my opinions are making themselves known. I am also tired of coming home smelling like grease, and my uniforms are getting nasty. Twice a week, they get a generous dousing of Spray n Wash then they are washed, and laid out to dry. They still look disgusting, and when you know this about yourself, it's hard to take any pride in your appearance. But for now, until something else comes along, I will just have to suck it up. I don't care when I end up working at this next job, but I will aim for a place that closes, especially holidays.
I feel the thing that frustrates me the most is knowing all of us are supposed to be a team, but it never fails; there is always one or two people who believe their primary job is to just stand there. Or text constantly. Or complain. I could go on and on, but it's not hard to get the picture. The work load, as a result is not spread out evenly, but rather falls to a one person or small group of persons. It isn't so much that no one knows what they are supposed to do, especially those who have been there for a while. I am one of those people who looks for something to do when things are slow. I also try to keep those around me from falling too far behind. It feels as though no one notices this but every once in a while, someone says something encouraging, and it's as if a weight is lifted.
I really could go on, but maybe some other time. My bed is calling, and I have to work again tomorrow, so I need to get my rest and gear up for another shift. One more day and I get to relax..
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
October Update
I turned 27 last Friday, but for some reason, I just wasn't all that excited about my birthday. It didn't matter to me in the least, and honestly, had it not been for the fact that I had to work that evening, there is a good chance I would have just slept all day. I did, however, enjoy and appreciate the fact that a lot of my Facebook friends took the time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. That always means a lot. I got some neat presents, too, as well as three birthday cakes, including what's left of the one my sisters bought for me. It's awesome looking, pink and purple swirls inside with white icing. A princess cake, I think it's called. As far as I'm concerned, it's cake. I like cake a lot, and all of them were quite tasty.
I think my depression is getting better. The meds help, but my goal is to help myself through the spells as much as possible. It also helps to really think about why I happen to be upset at that moment and what can be done to solve the situation. Take tonight for example. I watched a few videos on YouTube about military familes being reunited with their beloved members, and after two videos, I started crying. You see, watching those reunions made me think of my dad, who served in the Air Force for 27 years. There were times when he was gone for a long time, and I tried to imagine what Mom and my siblings must have felt when it was their turn for the reunion. Then I started really missing him. Mind you, he's been gone a very long time. September of 1998 seems like an eternity ago sometimes. My niece, who was a baby at the time, is now 14 years old and in high school. Her brother was 2 and now he's old enough to drive. If only he could see them now. What would he think? The crying lasted a few minutes, but it's all good now. There is a peaceful feeling instead of sadness.
I think my depression is getting better. The meds help, but my goal is to help myself through the spells as much as possible. It also helps to really think about why I happen to be upset at that moment and what can be done to solve the situation. Take tonight for example. I watched a few videos on YouTube about military familes being reunited with their beloved members, and after two videos, I started crying. You see, watching those reunions made me think of my dad, who served in the Air Force for 27 years. There were times when he was gone for a long time, and I tried to imagine what Mom and my siblings must have felt when it was their turn for the reunion. Then I started really missing him. Mind you, he's been gone a very long time. September of 1998 seems like an eternity ago sometimes. My niece, who was a baby at the time, is now 14 years old and in high school. Her brother was 2 and now he's old enough to drive. If only he could see them now. What would he think? The crying lasted a few minutes, but it's all good now. There is a peaceful feeling instead of sadness.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Ponderings and randomness, and a little dreaming
Well, I made up my mind about school. I WILL be returning, regardless of what naysayers might feel inclined to tell me about what they think. There are many ways for me to be successful in life and I plan to explore them. January is now the goal. I hate to keep moving it around, but I also haven't done a spring semester since 2009, which was right after Mom died. I feel like I can plan things out better that way instead of spontaneously rushing into things as I've always done, thus getting a lot more done in the process. Education has and always will be a priority, and there are still plenty of people who agree. Yes, it is taking a lot longer to get there than originally planned. Yes, it is expensive, and yes I do know what it will mean. I also know that I can now choose the amount of hours (classes) I plan to take, and that I would like to stick to 2 classes at a time for a while. My grades are good, but finances and not having seemingly overbearing loans are more important than challenging myself to the max.
Work is work. I go in and perform my job and its many duties until midnight if I happen to be scheduled and get home around 2 AM. Being the insomniac type, it's really not a big deal. The place I work at never closes except on Christmas Day, and I love the fact that I can get some breakfast after clocking out, and because I'm reading again, I can dig the book out of my purse and dive into the storyline while chilling out in the lobby. Right now, I'm on chapter 11 of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I kind of feel sorry for Pip, to be honest. His sister doesn't deserve him, as mean as she is, but Pip and her husband have such a beautiful friendship. I like to think of him as a father figure to Pip.
Something has happened within me lately that just, how to put this, makes me feel as though I truly am getting older and that more needs to get done. I have started making a point to go to Bible study again, and to really do more in children's church. Not that I wasn't doing more in the latter before, but the thought occured to me that one day I will hopefully be making a living out of what the leader of the group does. I know the way my brain works better that anyone else, so if a good habit or two is to be formed, it has to start as early as possible. Dr. Gross mentioned back in February that not a lot of individuals with Asperger's know to take that kind of initiative, but I know that no one else will do it for me. Looking back over time, it's a lot of the same reason I took all of those home ec. and personal development classes in high school. Sometimes you just need to take charge and help yourself.
I have been watching a lot of videos lately concerning adoption, namely those involving girls from China. I have decided adopting is something I would like to do in the future, whether I actually go to China to get my baby or elsewhere, such as here. These dreams involving picking up my new baby happen often, and while the child is not biological, every time I am handed the baby, I instantly start mothering him or her, as if the baby has been there all along. This isn't to say the idea of having a biological child has been shunned completely, but adoption just feels like something I am meant to do. There are so many children who have already been brought into this world who don't have homes or someone to love them unconditionally, and it makes my heart ache. It really does, and also thoughts like that remind me that I was one of the lucky ones.
When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman
Work is work. I go in and perform my job and its many duties until midnight if I happen to be scheduled and get home around 2 AM. Being the insomniac type, it's really not a big deal. The place I work at never closes except on Christmas Day, and I love the fact that I can get some breakfast after clocking out, and because I'm reading again, I can dig the book out of my purse and dive into the storyline while chilling out in the lobby. Right now, I'm on chapter 11 of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I kind of feel sorry for Pip, to be honest. His sister doesn't deserve him, as mean as she is, but Pip and her husband have such a beautiful friendship. I like to think of him as a father figure to Pip.
Something has happened within me lately that just, how to put this, makes me feel as though I truly am getting older and that more needs to get done. I have started making a point to go to Bible study again, and to really do more in children's church. Not that I wasn't doing more in the latter before, but the thought occured to me that one day I will hopefully be making a living out of what the leader of the group does. I know the way my brain works better that anyone else, so if a good habit or two is to be formed, it has to start as early as possible. Dr. Gross mentioned back in February that not a lot of individuals with Asperger's know to take that kind of initiative, but I know that no one else will do it for me. Looking back over time, it's a lot of the same reason I took all of those home ec. and personal development classes in high school. Sometimes you just need to take charge and help yourself.
I have been watching a lot of videos lately concerning adoption, namely those involving girls from China. I have decided adopting is something I would like to do in the future, whether I actually go to China to get my baby or elsewhere, such as here. These dreams involving picking up my new baby happen often, and while the child is not biological, every time I am handed the baby, I instantly start mothering him or her, as if the baby has been there all along. This isn't to say the idea of having a biological child has been shunned completely, but adoption just feels like something I am meant to do. There are so many children who have already been brought into this world who don't have homes or someone to love them unconditionally, and it makes my heart ache. It really does, and also thoughts like that remind me that I was one of the lucky ones.
When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman
Monday, July 2, 2012
Where things stand
I'm still awake at this hour and REALLY don't want to be, but this for me is reality. I can't relax enough to go to sleep like a normal person. My brain lacks the critical off switch other people seem to have, and to top things off, I now work the night shift, so I get home from work around 1 AM as opposed to 6 PM. Big difference. More hours, yes. Less sleep, you bet. I seem to adapt though, as I have to many of the things this life has thrown at me.
I want to go back to school next month. I still owe money to ASU and I can't sleep because all I can think about is how much a week I have to give them in order to have my financial hold lifted so I can reapply. Everything else that I can think of has been done thus far. I have filed change of address forms with both the school and the post office, ordered checks, and yet, it feels like I'm forgetting something, well other than the fact that I could have done these things months ago. I need help and don't know where to turn.
When school starts, I will be back in good standing with ASU. Fall 2010 was a real eye opener as far as academics are concerned. Never have I worked as hard as I did that semester. Finally, something clicked and the grades that I had been capable of all along were starting to surface. No more procrastination, and less sleep to do what it took to get assignments finished. Often, I would finally crawl into bed around 2 AM after emailing the assignments to my Yahoo account so that they could be moved to Microsoft Word on a school computer, than fixed to meet various professors' requirements. It wasn't easy by any stretch, but it worked. This time will be easier, but with some of the same
I want to go back to school next month. I still owe money to ASU and I can't sleep because all I can think about is how much a week I have to give them in order to have my financial hold lifted so I can reapply. Everything else that I can think of has been done thus far. I have filed change of address forms with both the school and the post office, ordered checks, and yet, it feels like I'm forgetting something, well other than the fact that I could have done these things months ago. I need help and don't know where to turn.
When school starts, I will be back in good standing with ASU. Fall 2010 was a real eye opener as far as academics are concerned. Never have I worked as hard as I did that semester. Finally, something clicked and the grades that I had been capable of all along were starting to surface. No more procrastination, and less sleep to do what it took to get assignments finished. Often, I would finally crawl into bed around 2 AM after emailing the assignments to my Yahoo account so that they could be moved to Microsoft Word on a school computer, than fixed to meet various professors' requirements. It wasn't easy by any stretch, but it worked. This time will be easier, but with some of the same
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Dream
So I finally fell asleep around 3 AM..not unusual for yours truly. The dream I had, however..was strange as they come. Those who know me know I walk or take the bus pretty much everywhere. Being self sufficient just works better.
In this dream, I was driving. Something I have not done since 2002, the last time being my driver's test with Angelo Driving Academy, which I failed by 5 points if you must know. I failed because my mind was not focused on the right things, and because I was extremely nervous about that particular test. The driving skills in the dream really weren't that much better than they were all those years ago, but what I noticed was that as the dream wore on, I was gradually getting better at operating this car, and as it turns out is really is like learning to ride a bike. You don't forget, and this time, age helped tremendously, because I recall moving a lot of junk that was in the backseat to the trunk so there would be ample vision from the back. At 16, someone would have had to remind me to do this. It was scary, but the driving itself was slowly starting to feel natural. I had no one else with me, only the open road, and it seemed to be out in the middle of nowhere.
This has happened a couple of times already, only my driving skills didn't evolve in the last two dreams. Now, what could this mean exactly? Well, lets see, the acquiring of one's license is considered a major milestone isn't it? Could this have to do with where life is right now, like the prospect of being independent looming closer? Who knows, but that impulsive naturedness could very well come in handy in this case. Being spontaneous is fun and exciting, and things happen when you just get up and go.
In this dream, I was driving. Something I have not done since 2002, the last time being my driver's test with Angelo Driving Academy, which I failed by 5 points if you must know. I failed because my mind was not focused on the right things, and because I was extremely nervous about that particular test. The driving skills in the dream really weren't that much better than they were all those years ago, but what I noticed was that as the dream wore on, I was gradually getting better at operating this car, and as it turns out is really is like learning to ride a bike. You don't forget, and this time, age helped tremendously, because I recall moving a lot of junk that was in the backseat to the trunk so there would be ample vision from the back. At 16, someone would have had to remind me to do this. It was scary, but the driving itself was slowly starting to feel natural. I had no one else with me, only the open road, and it seemed to be out in the middle of nowhere.
This has happened a couple of times already, only my driving skills didn't evolve in the last two dreams. Now, what could this mean exactly? Well, lets see, the acquiring of one's license is considered a major milestone isn't it? Could this have to do with where life is right now, like the prospect of being independent looming closer? Who knows, but that impulsive naturedness could very well come in handy in this case. Being spontaneous is fun and exciting, and things happen when you just get up and go.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Moving foward
It's been a couple of months since my last post. I have since moved out of the apartment and am now back in a house, which is nice in its own way. I no longer have to save quarters to wash my clothes, nor can I hear others through the walls. I have a real bed now and there is a backyard outside instead of a balcony.
I have been prescribed an anti depressant as well. This has affected me tremendously. On the positive side, my moods are normal (whatever that means), and because the medicine is taken at night, I don't have as much trouble falling asleep. I have to check back in with Dr. Gross in a month for an update.
On the negative side, I tire easily. Sometimes I swear it isn't working as well, especially when the sadness comes back around, but I have to keep going. There is simply too much left to do.
In August, I want to continue work on my bachelor's degree. Knowing I have Aspergers means I am aware of money I could get for school, and I do plan to look into this, but I want to take a couple of classes in the fall to slowly ease myself back into the world of academia. I am eight school credit hours away from being classified as a junior at ASU and want to finish. I am tired of being bored and feel it's time. Also, school provides the chance to be around my friends and peers, which sounds wonderful.
Long term goals aren't usually set anymore because I can't seem to get them done..short term goals work better and allow better focus on the here and now. They are motivation to keep going if nothing else.
I have been prescribed an anti depressant as well. This has affected me tremendously. On the positive side, my moods are normal (whatever that means), and because the medicine is taken at night, I don't have as much trouble falling asleep. I have to check back in with Dr. Gross in a month for an update.
On the negative side, I tire easily. Sometimes I swear it isn't working as well, especially when the sadness comes back around, but I have to keep going. There is simply too much left to do.
In August, I want to continue work on my bachelor's degree. Knowing I have Aspergers means I am aware of money I could get for school, and I do plan to look into this, but I want to take a couple of classes in the fall to slowly ease myself back into the world of academia. I am eight school credit hours away from being classified as a junior at ASU and want to finish. I am tired of being bored and feel it's time. Also, school provides the chance to be around my friends and peers, which sounds wonderful.
Long term goals aren't usually set anymore because I can't seem to get them done..short term goals work better and allow better focus on the here and now. They are motivation to keep going if nothing else.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Officially an Aspie, and Other Ramblings..
Today was Valentines Day. For some, this meant a day of truly celebrating their love for a significant other. For others, birthdays and wedding anniversaries were celebrated. For me, it meant something else entirely. I had an appointment at 3 PM to see a psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Gross. I paid for the appointment after filling out three pages of paperwork..$225. It's a lot of money, but totally worth it for the information I received today.
I have suspected for many years that I could possibly have a disorder called Aspergers syndrome. Aspergers is characterized by the inability to interact and socialize with others, as well as extreme fixations on objects and topics most would not consider to be..how to put this..as important as others. Repetitive and compulsive behaviors are also part of this. My sister, who, honestly, I think knows me better than I do at times, mentioned last spring that she also believed I have this disorder. I finally got my referral a couple of months ago to see Dr. Gross and today was the big day. He confirmed what, really, had already been known. I have Aspergers syndrome, albeit a mild, high functioning form. What relief to know this!
Now that my diagnosis has been made, the ball has begun rolling. I have to apply for Medicaid. My sister will fax the paperwork when I have finished filling it out online.
Dr. Gross informed me of other details of what else needs to happen, and then he shared with me that he knows a young man who is EXACTLY like me, well, diagnosis wise. This young man is a student at ASU and is also high functioning. I'm still thinking about this. He wants to introduce us. This man, like me, also does not drive. I'm wondering if the disorder kept me from truly grasping what I should have during the time I still had my learner's permit. Teenage life was full of anxiety and that test is huge, no matter what age. I shared with him that I was fine with not driving if it didn't happen, and that I would like to purchase a bicycle one day and learn to ride that instead. Hey, it's cheaper, and with a bike, you don't have to deal with gas prices.
I have suspected for many years that I could possibly have a disorder called Aspergers syndrome. Aspergers is characterized by the inability to interact and socialize with others, as well as extreme fixations on objects and topics most would not consider to be..how to put this..as important as others. Repetitive and compulsive behaviors are also part of this. My sister, who, honestly, I think knows me better than I do at times, mentioned last spring that she also believed I have this disorder. I finally got my referral a couple of months ago to see Dr. Gross and today was the big day. He confirmed what, really, had already been known. I have Aspergers syndrome, albeit a mild, high functioning form. What relief to know this!
Now that my diagnosis has been made, the ball has begun rolling. I have to apply for Medicaid. My sister will fax the paperwork when I have finished filling it out online.
Dr. Gross informed me of other details of what else needs to happen, and then he shared with me that he knows a young man who is EXACTLY like me, well, diagnosis wise. This young man is a student at ASU and is also high functioning. I'm still thinking about this. He wants to introduce us. This man, like me, also does not drive. I'm wondering if the disorder kept me from truly grasping what I should have during the time I still had my learner's permit. Teenage life was full of anxiety and that test is huge, no matter what age. I shared with him that I was fine with not driving if it didn't happen, and that I would like to purchase a bicycle one day and learn to ride that instead. Hey, it's cheaper, and with a bike, you don't have to deal with gas prices.
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