Things I Wanted to Tell You But Never Did

Hi. I see you deleted me from your friends list tonight, saying I was very rude and complaining that I never talked to you despite your efforts to be a good friend. The truth is, I have been busy with life and since our, well my, best friend we used to share warned me that you were behaving toward me in much the same way before you did what you did to her and her family, I was a bit cautious. But it's OK. I've actually been wanting to say a lot of things to you, but wasn't really sure how.

Lets start with how you perceive the reasoning behind the lack of words. You think it's because of what happened between you and her last summer. It wasn't so much that, although what happened did play a small part. The truth is, we grew apart. You found someone else to be your best friend and moved on with life, forgetting the fact that this other girl and I were your friends long before this new person was. Now, truth be told, yes all of us are human and fully capable of errors, but things really never did recover between us after that. After things blew up with my best friend, who you hurt, I decided to still help you with the bridal shower last summer. Costs were split for the price of food and decorations, your best friend and I cleaned the area of the house that was going to be used, we all prepared (her family included) the food for you and everyone who showed up, and in the end, you gave her all the credit for the work. ALL the credit, for the work, that both of us did. You even posed with her at the party and posted it to your Facebook and said you had such a loving best friend for doing that for you. Forget me.

Oh, and I wanted to be in your wedding, but you never asked or offered a place. I didn't want to go that badly after all that had happened but decided to be a good sport and go anyway. Remember all of those pictures that were taken of all of your friends that day, and all the different poses? I was in those pictures, too. But none of those were posted on your wall. There is one, where you can see the back of my head. Thanks.

After all that was said and done, I was looking through your photos one night and saw without a doubt, that you had moved on and found other friends, so I decided enough was enough and blocked you and your best friend. It was hard, but it had to be done. Thing was, you still had my number and when you discovered this, you kept texting, so I, like an idiot, re added you. Halloween I unfriended you again, after just giving up. You clearly were doing just fine, and so was I. Doing it wasn't so hard this time around.

Then this last time, you said you had come to your senses after your new best friend stabbed you in the back. We messaged back and forth for a while and I put you back on my list of friends, but with caution. Then you kept asking me and asking me to try and convince my friend to be friends with you again. The chances of that happening were slim and you probably knew that. I stopped talking to you mostly over that. I must admit, when you want something, you really know how to go after it.

School started a couple of weeks ago and between that and work, I don't have a lot of time to do much else. I work nights and when I'm not there, I'm at home, reading or studying. You think I was ignoring you, but in truth, well I was actually, but it's school and school is really important. I couldn't allow a lot of distraction. Sorry you felt the way you did, and that you don't seem to understand. Have a nice life.

Last night, something happened that truly terrified me. I was at work, and like Sunday nights would normally be, we were busy. I had a register and always work front counter, so my job is to take orders, and send them to the back. When there aren't any customers, I help make the orders for the fries and onion rings, make sure we have enough apple and lemon pies, and prepare the chicken entrees if needed. I don't have any control over any other station. This HUGE man comes in with his, I don't know, she could have been his daughter, girlfriend, whatever. Anyway, they place their order and find a seat. Time passes, orders go out to other customers, and eventually his order comes around. Fresh fries were only seconds away. I had just finished with my line of people when he comes storming up to the counter, angrily demanding to know why he hasn't gotten his food. I was the one standing there, and so of course, he is asking me this. I don't know, and to be honest, at this point, he looked like he wanted to physically attack me, so I was afraid. He again demands to know where his food is, saying something to the effect of "You can't give me an answer of where my food is?! I've been here longer than anyone else and they all got their food!" Now, look, he's not the first one this has ever happened to, and it does happen from time to time. The cooks got swamped back at the grill. They had a lot of orders to make and made an honest mistake. Once the fries came up, I put them on his tray and he takes the tray from me and sits down. Not 5 minutes later, he comes back. Apparently his burger was wrong. He's even angrier at this point, and his presence is threatening. I alert the manager on duty and he gives her the burger and is telling her, basically how stupid we are for messing his burger up, how long he had to wait, etc. He then tells her he wants a fresh burger and don't just slap the cheese on there, but he makes this motion like he's pounding his fist into his hand.
I had another line of customers at this point who were seeing this man's behavior, but they seemed to have this "better you than me" attitude. How sad. I then finished taking their order, my voice and body trembling with fear and on the verge of tears. When I finished, the matriarch of the group asked me what my name was. She then told me it wouldn't have killed me to smile. What the hell?! Go ahead. My feelings don't matter do they? I'm less than you and him because of where I work (or so you think) , and you actually think I should smile at you when I am clearly terrified and in distress? How dare you! I got through the next two groups of people I had and turned to my boss and another girl who was working, already crying, telling them I would be back.
What followed was something I usually don't do. Once the bathroom door closed behind me, I let it all out. It felt more like a panic attack once the breathing started, fast and hard. I cried my eyes out. Once the worst part seemed to be over, I washed my face with cold water and composed myself as well as I could. I walked up to the work station and grabbed the next ready order. Let me tell you, the people I delivered the food to could not have been more nice. They even called me ma'am. As the evening wore on, the tears would occasionally resurface. Eventually, they stopped altogether, and things went well the rest of the evening.
Most people who would encounter someone like ourselves, those of us who seem to work the jobs lowest on the proverbial totem pole, realize that we are just people doing our job. I love the fact that our regulars treat us like extended family. They love what we do for them and keep coming back to cheer us on, and we in turn, keep serving things up. My last job was a lot like that. I was with Dollar General for five and a half years, and in that time, I got to know the regulars and they got to know me, not just as the lady who bagged their purchases, but as someone just like them. One never really knows just how far a sincere look, a smile, or a kind word can really go until they see for themselves what has been built. I made so many friends and loyal customers during that time, not just with the regular patrons, but with former coworkers and bosses. They are what I miss the most about that job. Seeing them while out and about shopping at my former place of work is a lot like a reunion.
Then, there are the ones who seem to just not truly understand what it means to work in the field so many do. These people actually forget that we are human beings who have feelings, families of our own, and who deserve respect. They look down on us, and act as though we disgust them, like they wouldn't be caught dead talking to us or being seen with us in public. Those are the people I feel truly sorry for. I would also like to see them walk in our shoes for a few days, to see what it feels like to have people treat them the way they treat us, both good and bad. Their eyes would be open and it would humble them.
     Oh, one more thing about the man and his..lady friend. They left a bag of lemons in their booth. It was probably an accident, but lets just say when life hands you lemons..you take them home with you. They came back another day in a better mood and I more or less waited on them hand and foot. The man seemed a lot less threatening, but it didn't matter. They haven't been back since.

It Had to Happen Sooner or Later

Tonight, I finally worked up the courage to do something I have wanted to do for a couple of months, but for some reason I had kept putting off. It also happened to be extremely hard, but as the title says, it had to happen sooner or later. Denial was not doing me any real favors.

This girl and I had met one morning during sixth grade. She was a new student, and it didn't take long for she and I to become friends and then she met my best friend since first grade and the three of us became inseperable. This girl could take anything that the two of us did and kick it up to the next level. We were constantly getting called out in classes because we just had such a good time together. Then she moved. We didn't see her until the following year, and the shenanigans started over, but mostly at each other's houses. I found myself constantly getting into more trouble with her than I did with the bestie, but no matter what punishment Mom would usually dish out, afterwards, the fun would start over again. As fate would have it she moved sometime between seventh and eighth grade, and neither of us heard from her until we had gone through high school and had started our own little lives. We eventually got back together a couple of years ago and hit it off once more.

Unfortunately, things took a turn this year. She changed in a way neither of us really saw coming. Funny how life events can do things like that. She and her boyfriend decided they were going to get married and being her friends, we teamed up with another friend of hers to help plan the wedding shower and actual wedding itself. First of all, the budget was ridiculous. This other girl and ourselves decided to (and I really don't know why!) split the cost of the shower three ways, spending around $150-$200 each. Not long after that, omg, the fighting started. My bestie didn't have a job at the time and could not afford the pricey items this girl's new best friend wanted for her. She tried to get what she could but the best friend wasn't satisfied. After a few weeks of going back and forth and frustration, venting to me about how all that seemed to matter was money, she drops out of the shower planning. I decided to stay and help. Big mistake. I bought stamps for the wedding invites to be mailed, I split the cost of food, I even went to this girl's grandmother's house to help prepare for the party when the day came. We busted our behinds cleaning and prepping the food and decorating. I did everything I could to help make this day special for my "friend". In the end, all the credit went to the other girl. All the credit! They even took pictures together and it was posted on her Facebook. I felt gutted. This best friend of hers didn't even tell her I had helped.

I went to the wedding anyway, even though truthfully after that and a horrible altercation between her, the new bestie, and my friend, I felt guilty for showing up. I went because I had RSVP'd and it felt like the polite thing to do. Later I got home and logged into Facebook and of course, this "friend" had posted pictures of her special day. Now, mind you, all of the friends of the bride had taken pictures together, including me. Not one picture had me in it. Not one, well except for one where all anyone can see is my back and the back of my head. Naturally, anyone would be thinking to themselves that all that posing for those pics was pointless. I guess now it doesn't matter. Deep down, I knew that night would be the last time I would ever be with her in public. There was such a feeling of finality the whole time. I realized that despite my best efforts, there was really no place for me in her life. The two girls she and her husband are raising have no idea who I am. I was looking through photo albums and it turns out they had a birthday party for one of the girls. I never got my invite. This girl even changed her cell phone number and couldn't be bothered to give it to me. I have done nothing wrong to any of them. But since this all happened, I decided to just quietly slip away.

Soo..yeah

I got off half an hour early tonight. To be exact, 37 minutes ahead of schedule. The relief was immense. I have not enjoyed these last few nights, truthfully, and when I did clock out, the pressure headaches I get when I stress did not. It eventually ceased. Yay.

I might be headed back to retail soon. Truth is, work is work, but it is a constant source of frustration, and the communication sucks. Staying quiet about things is getting difficult, and my opinions are making themselves known. I am also tired of coming home smelling like grease, and my uniforms are getting nasty. Twice a week, they get a generous dousing of Spray n Wash then they are washed, and laid out to dry. They still look disgusting, and when you know this about yourself, it's hard to take any pride in your appearance. But for now, until something else comes along, I will just have to suck it up. I don't care when I end up working at this next job, but I will aim for a place that closes, especially holidays. 

I feel the thing that frustrates me the most is knowing all of us are supposed to be a team, but it never fails; there is always one or two people who believe their primary job is to just stand there. Or text constantly. Or complain. I could go on and on, but it's not hard to get the picture. The work load, as a result is not spread out evenly, but rather falls to a one person or small group of persons. It isn't so much that no one knows what they are supposed to do, especially those who have been there for a while. I am one of those people who looks for something to do when things are slow. I also try to keep those around me from falling too far behind. It feels as though no one notices this but every once in a while, someone says something encouraging, and it's as if a weight is lifted.

I really could go on, but maybe some other time. My bed is calling, and I have to work again tomorrow, so I need to get my rest and gear up for another shift. One more day and I get to relax..

October Update

I turned 27 last Friday, but for some reason, I just wasn't all that excited about my birthday. It didn't matter to me in the least, and honestly, had it not been for the fact that I had to work that evening, there is a good chance I would have just slept all day. I did, however, enjoy and appreciate the fact that a lot of my Facebook friends took the time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. That always means a lot. I got some neat presents, too, as well as three birthday cakes, including what's left of the one my sisters bought for me. It's awesome looking, pink and purple swirls inside with white icing. A princess cake, I think it's called. As far as I'm concerned, it's cake. I like cake a lot, and all of them were quite tasty.

I think my depression is getting better. The meds help, but my goal is to help myself through the spells as much as possible. It also helps to really think about why I happen to be upset at that moment and what can be done to solve the situation. Take tonight for example. I watched a few videos on YouTube about military familes being reunited with their beloved members, and after two videos, I started crying. You see, watching those reunions made me think of my dad, who served in the Air Force for 27 years. There were times when he was gone for a long time, and I tried to imagine what Mom and my siblings must have felt when it was their turn for the reunion. Then I started really missing him. Mind you, he's been gone a very long time. September of 1998 seems like an eternity ago sometimes. My niece, who was a baby at the time, is now 14 years old and in high school. Her brother was 2 and now he's old enough to drive. If only he could see them now. What would he think? The crying lasted a few minutes, but it's all good now. There is a peaceful feeling instead of sadness.

Ponderings and randomness, and a little dreaming

Well, I made up my mind about school. I WILL be returning, regardless of what naysayers might feel inclined to tell me about what they think. There are many ways for me to be successful in life and I plan to explore them. January is now the goal. I hate to keep moving it around, but I also haven't done a spring semester since 2009, which was right after Mom died. I feel like I can plan things out better that way instead of spontaneously rushing into things as I've always done, thus getting a lot more done in the process. Education has and always will be a priority, and there are still plenty of people who agree. Yes, it is taking a lot longer to get there than originally planned. Yes, it is expensive, and yes I do know what it will mean. I also know that I can now choose the amount of hours (classes) I plan to take, and that I would like to stick to 2 classes at a time for a while. My grades are good, but finances and not having seemingly overbearing loans are more important than challenging myself to the max.


Work is work. I go in and perform my job and its many duties until midnight if I happen to be scheduled and get home around 2 AM. Being the insomniac type, it's really not a big deal. The place I work at never closes except on Christmas Day, and I love the fact that I can get some breakfast after clocking out, and because I'm reading again, I can dig the book out of my purse and dive into the storyline while chilling out in the lobby. Right now, I'm on chapter 11 of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I kind of feel sorry for Pip, to be honest. His sister doesn't deserve him, as mean as she is, but Pip and her husband have such a beautiful friendship. I like to think of him as a father figure to Pip.

Something has happened within me lately that just, how to put this, makes me feel as though I truly am getting older and that more needs to get done. I have started making a point to go to Bible study again, and to really do more in children's church. Not that I wasn't doing more in the latter before, but the thought occured to me that one day I will hopefully be making a living out of what the leader of the group does. I know the way my brain works better that anyone else, so if a good habit or two is to be formed, it has to start as early as possible. Dr. Gross mentioned back in February that not a lot of individuals with Asperger's know to take that kind of initiative, but I know that no one else will do it for me.  Looking back over time, it's a lot of the same reason I took all of those home ec. and personal development classes in high school. Sometimes you just need to take charge and help yourself.

I have been watching a lot of videos lately concerning adoption, namely those involving girls from China. I have decided adopting is something I would like to do in the future, whether I actually go to China to get my baby or elsewhere, such as here. These dreams involving picking up my new baby happen often, and while the child is not biological, every time I am handed the baby, I instantly start mothering him or her, as if the baby has been there all along. This isn't to say the idea of having a biological child has been shunned completely, but adoption just feels like something I am meant to do. There are so many children who have already been brought into this world who don't have homes or someone to love them unconditionally, and it makes my heart ache. It really does, and also thoughts like that remind me that I was one of the lucky ones.


When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman

Where things stand

I'm still awake at this hour and REALLY don't want to be, but this for me is reality. I can't relax enough to go to sleep like a normal person. My brain lacks the critical off switch other people seem to have, and to top things off, I now work the night shift, so I get home from work around 1 AM as opposed to 6 PM. Big difference. More hours, yes. Less sleep, you bet. I seem to adapt though, as I have to many of the things this life has thrown at me.

I want to go back to school next month. I still owe money to ASU and I can't sleep because all I can think about is how much a week I have to give them in order to have my financial hold lifted so I can reapply. Everything else that I can think of has been done thus far. I have filed change of address forms with both the school and the post office, ordered checks, and yet, it feels like I'm forgetting something, well other than the fact that I could have done these things months ago. I need help and don't know where to turn.

When school starts, I will be back in good standing with ASU. Fall 2010 was a real eye opener as far as academics are concerned. Never have I worked as hard as I did that semester. Finally, something clicked and the grades that I had been capable of all along were starting to surface. No more procrastination, and less sleep to do what it took to get assignments finished. Often, I would finally crawl into bed around 2 AM after emailing the assignments to my Yahoo account so that they could be moved to Microsoft Word on a school computer, than fixed to meet various professors' requirements. It wasn't easy by any stretch, but it worked. This time will be easier, but with some of the same