The "D" word

Depression. This past week, my demons returned after several months' hiatus. I'm still at war with them as I type this, actually. There was no one thing that summoned their return, but rather a series of thoughts that spiraled me into a dark place. At first, I was sad and disappointed that I didn't make it into block as I had so wanted to do this semester. It felt as if even though I studied hard and busted my..ahem..I had been defeated. Still, wanting to remain positive about the situation, I told myself that there was a silver lining to all of this. I would have a chance to bring up my GPA even further, have a chance to refresh my memory in the classes I'm retaking, and also would be able to get myself together enough to be ready when the time comes. The positive thoughts didn't last long. 

      By the time this past weekend arrived, it felt as though I were in a place of no return. Friday, I was in the bathroom fixing my hair after work, listening to a song called "I'll See You Yesterday" by Mindy McCready. Mindy battled her own addiction and depression demons before they overpowered her. She sadly commited suicide in 2013, and the song I mentioned was her last. Ironically it was written to promote suicide prevention. I listened intently to the lyrics, feeling that same heartache for her and when that combined with my own feelings, I broke down. I stood there crying for a while, and for the rest of the night, I kept playing that song. Her words felt so deep to me. By Saturday I had started sharing my dark thoughts with a few people, but still felt so heavy with sadness, desperation, loneliness, and just a feeling of not caring anymore. Sunday brought the worst of it. While I was getting dressed for work, I was on the floor, and broke down once more. This time I started feeling like I had finally lost control and began to slip away. I remember crying and quietly saying I was going to kill myself, preferably by hanging. But in that same span, I started to think about every person who would be affected by my decision. It was then I told myself I had to stop crying and get ready for work. Mind you the breakdown lasted about 10 minutes but if I hadn't stopped myself, it could have lasted for much longer. I definitely could have cried the rest of the day. 

     That isn't the first time that has happened, and it likely won't be the last. I have frequently felt I don't matter and that my life has been a waste. When those feelings hit, it's as if time stops. I start by feeling numb and the longer the depression lasts, the less I function. I have grown tired of feeling like this and will likely seek counseling in the near future. Through this, I would like to gain some control back. I would like to be able to take this beast by the horns and maybe one day, I'll defeat it.

Here and Now

Since my last post, well over a year ago, a lot has taken place. A couple of months later, a year ago tomorrow to be exact, we moved across town. Once I felt I had the transportation thing figured out, two of our managers at Sherwood lost their jobs, and a whole new group of people came into the picture. It was then I started having issues with distance and money, but I put off making life easier for myself because I did not want to leave the comfort and familiarity of where I worked. I ended up going to overnights, because something happened with school, and suddenly I had time on my hands I didn't think I would have. That shift is NOT for everyone, and it is anything but calm or peaceful. That being said, the hours were plentiful and the money was great, but I found myself frustrated more often than not. Still, I got to drink coffee the whole shift! Mmm, coffee, loaded with sugar and cream, sometimes iced. I worked New Year's Eve overnight this past year and got a real taste of what busy was. This one chick kept having me make her drink for her, and putting up with her crowd. I only did it because I didn't realize I could refuse to. Did she not see how busy we were? I told my best friend this story and she laughed at the way I told this tale and at the part where I told her I was tipped a whole dollar. Great, I had money for two cookies. Got milk?

  I eventually got off that shift and the weekend overnights when the semester got into full swing. It was just too much. Taking a full load of courses proved to be more than enough, especially considering how late I would get off some nights. I wouldn't have minded that if I didn't have morning classes every day, but I made it through. 

  I finally transferred two weeks ago and am finally saving money. School will be payed off from last semester in no time, then I register for Fall. Once that's done, I start chipping away at that bill so when DARS is applied, I will have a smaller balance. I have other stuff I am planning on, so watch this space.

May 2013 Update

     Mother's Day is coming up. This used to be a day of happiness and joy, but it brings me nothing but pain now. Mom died in 2008 and I don't have a relationship with my birth mom, but not because I didn't try. She's just not the kind of person you bond with. She seemed kind of detached the last time I saw her, and it was like somewhere within herself, she decided I had turned out fine without her and that I would continue to be that way..
     Mom meant the world to me and then some. Earlier when I was remembering all the things she did, I remembered this one time I had been sick with asthma as a child..again. It was during the cooler months, so of course there were problems with it. Anyway, I remember being asleep when I felt someone lift up the back of my pajama top and put their ear to my back to listen for wheezing. I knew it was her and wasn't startled. She ended up crawling into my bed with me and sleeping next to me all the rest of that night. That was only one way in which she showed her love and concern, but today as I remembered that night, it touched me and made me cry a little. She is so missed, it's not funny. I feel like I hit the adoption lottery when God gave me my parents, and will never understand why He took them away.
     The day came and went and I made it through just fine. I posted my usual piece of advice/tribute and after I said my piece, that was really it. I had lunch at home with my sisters and went off to work.
    Now I sit here typing 9 days later. It is nearly 4 AM and for some reason, the urge to write is as strong as it is any other time. I see compliments on pictures of other family members from someone who never compliments my pictures, and I feel invisible, but I feel that way to this person all the time. Other family members are very much visible. Idk if it's because of something I did or didn't do, or if  the way I turned out is somehow unacceptable to her. I overhear talk sometimes about what people think of me and to be honest, I struggle at those times to bite my tongue. I include very few people in my daily life because I simply am tired of trying to convince myself that they are even slightly interested. It's a lot of the reason why when I finally get my crap together and leave, I won't really be around. Those who have my number will know where to reach me. I'm not depressed, and  I have the mentality to do whatever I want to do and to be successful. My problem is that I get too comfortable. It is so easy to fall into a routine and just keep things as they are, and the Asperger's complicates this even further. Human beings, by nature are creatures of habit, and I also have this way of managing to make things harder than they have to be.

December stuff

One goal accomplished, so many more to reach. That's pretty much the way things usually are, but at least with getting back into school, I feel like things are going in the right direction. This coming semester will only have two classes, but I have to buy five books. The British Lit class has four and they're all pretty cheap. I get to read Beowulf again, after having read it in English IV nine years ago, not to mention Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Those were the two that stood out the most as far as the class, and then I have to buy this bundle package for ECH 3350, so I'm thinking software is involved, and that I will have to register on some website to work..maybe Taskstream. I hope so, but I haven't touched my page in two years, and I couldn't figure out how to switch two assignments. Other than that, Maxedon said it looked good, and I have her again for this class. Woot!

Elaine and I went to Blanek's for breakfast last week, and as usual, people felt the need to stare at us. They always stare at us! We are two people, minding our own damn business, just trying to blend in, and yet we always attract dirty looks and stares. We know why. We know people are nosy, judgemental, and generally clueless, and don't seem to understand that there is nothing wrong with two women eating breakfast together and having a good time. We have been best friends for going on two decades, and honestly, this whole thing is getting awkward. It's one of the reasons I won't go back to Kozy Kitchen. The waitress there was no different. She was wearing some blouse with crosses all over it (not hard to find in a town like this one) and kept leaning in toward us, like somehow she was going to fix something she didn't like about us. Now, I'm not coming out of any closet here, whether it be a figurative one, or the one people seem to have built around us. Those who I spend most of my time with know that the only identity I cling to is the one I made for myself. I'm not the type to condemn others for being "different" either. I know what it is to have that happen, and to be honest, this whole gay thing has been following us since the sixth grade when someone at school decided to start a rumor about Elaine and I. We were 12 years old then and barely had any real idea about what that meant.  Thank God there was no such thing as social media back then. The poor kids of today who are going through similar trials have so much more to worry about than the occasional pointing and whispering that we put up with. The reason both of us act like we're tough is because we've had to.  Oh, and FYI, I have only dated guys up to this point, with little success. I'm not the dating type, unless some kind of miracle occurs and someone special just appears out of nowhere. Not that it matters, because I don't flirt with people.  It could be the whole personality bit, but I firmly believe it's the Asperger's affecting my behavior, but it really doesn't matter.

Things I Wanted to Tell You But Never Did

Hi. I see you deleted me from your friends list tonight, saying I was very rude and complaining that I never talked to you despite your efforts to be a good friend. The truth is, I have been busy with life and since our, well my, best friend we used to share warned me that you were behaving toward me in much the same way before you did what you did to her and her family, I was a bit cautious. But it's OK. I've actually been wanting to say a lot of things to you, but wasn't really sure how.

Lets start with how you perceive the reasoning behind the lack of words. You think it's because of what happened between you and her last summer. It wasn't so much that, although what happened did play a small part. The truth is, we grew apart. You found someone else to be your best friend and moved on with life, forgetting the fact that this other girl and I were your friends long before this new person was. Now, truth be told, yes all of us are human and fully capable of errors, but things really never did recover between us after that. After things blew up with my best friend, who you hurt, I decided to still help you with the bridal shower last summer. Costs were split for the price of food and decorations, your best friend and I cleaned the area of the house that was going to be used, we all prepared (her family included) the food for you and everyone who showed up, and in the end, you gave her all the credit for the work. ALL the credit, for the work, that both of us did. You even posed with her at the party and posted it to your Facebook and said you had such a loving best friend for doing that for you. Forget me.

Oh, and I wanted to be in your wedding, but you never asked or offered a place. I didn't want to go that badly after all that had happened but decided to be a good sport and go anyway. Remember all of those pictures that were taken of all of your friends that day, and all the different poses? I was in those pictures, too. But none of those were posted on your wall. There is one, where you can see the back of my head. Thanks.

After all that was said and done, I was looking through your photos one night and saw without a doubt, that you had moved on and found other friends, so I decided enough was enough and blocked you and your best friend. It was hard, but it had to be done. Thing was, you still had my number and when you discovered this, you kept texting, so I, like an idiot, re added you. Halloween I unfriended you again, after just giving up. You clearly were doing just fine, and so was I. Doing it wasn't so hard this time around.

Then this last time, you said you had come to your senses after your new best friend stabbed you in the back. We messaged back and forth for a while and I put you back on my list of friends, but with caution. Then you kept asking me and asking me to try and convince my friend to be friends with you again. The chances of that happening were slim and you probably knew that. I stopped talking to you mostly over that. I must admit, when you want something, you really know how to go after it.

School started a couple of weeks ago and between that and work, I don't have a lot of time to do much else. I work nights and when I'm not there, I'm at home, reading or studying. You think I was ignoring you, but in truth, well I was actually, but it's school and school is really important. I couldn't allow a lot of distraction. Sorry you felt the way you did, and that you don't seem to understand. Have a nice life.

Last night, something happened that truly terrified me. I was at work, and like Sunday nights would normally be, we were busy. I had a register and always work front counter, so my job is to take orders, and send them to the back. When there aren't any customers, I help make the orders for the fries and onion rings, make sure we have enough apple and lemon pies, and prepare the chicken entrees if needed. I don't have any control over any other station. This HUGE man comes in with his, I don't know, she could have been his daughter, girlfriend, whatever. Anyway, they place their order and find a seat. Time passes, orders go out to other customers, and eventually his order comes around. Fresh fries were only seconds away. I had just finished with my line of people when he comes storming up to the counter, angrily demanding to know why he hasn't gotten his food. I was the one standing there, and so of course, he is asking me this. I don't know, and to be honest, at this point, he looked like he wanted to physically attack me, so I was afraid. He again demands to know where his food is, saying something to the effect of "You can't give me an answer of where my food is?! I've been here longer than anyone else and they all got their food!" Now, look, he's not the first one this has ever happened to, and it does happen from time to time. The cooks got swamped back at the grill. They had a lot of orders to make and made an honest mistake. Once the fries came up, I put them on his tray and he takes the tray from me and sits down. Not 5 minutes later, he comes back. Apparently his burger was wrong. He's even angrier at this point, and his presence is threatening. I alert the manager on duty and he gives her the burger and is telling her, basically how stupid we are for messing his burger up, how long he had to wait, etc. He then tells her he wants a fresh burger and don't just slap the cheese on there, but he makes this motion like he's pounding his fist into his hand.
I had another line of customers at this point who were seeing this man's behavior, but they seemed to have this "better you than me" attitude. How sad. I then finished taking their order, my voice and body trembling with fear and on the verge of tears. When I finished, the matriarch of the group asked me what my name was. She then told me it wouldn't have killed me to smile. What the hell?! Go ahead. My feelings don't matter do they? I'm less than you and him because of where I work (or so you think) , and you actually think I should smile at you when I am clearly terrified and in distress? How dare you! I got through the next two groups of people I had and turned to my boss and another girl who was working, already crying, telling them I would be back.
What followed was something I usually don't do. Once the bathroom door closed behind me, I let it all out. It felt more like a panic attack once the breathing started, fast and hard. I cried my eyes out. Once the worst part seemed to be over, I washed my face with cold water and composed myself as well as I could. I walked up to the work station and grabbed the next ready order. Let me tell you, the people I delivered the food to could not have been more nice. They even called me ma'am. As the evening wore on, the tears would occasionally resurface. Eventually, they stopped altogether, and things went well the rest of the evening.
Most people who would encounter someone like ourselves, those of us who seem to work the jobs lowest on the proverbial totem pole, realize that we are just people doing our job. I love the fact that our regulars treat us like extended family. They love what we do for them and keep coming back to cheer us on, and we in turn, keep serving things up. My last job was a lot like that. I was with Dollar General for five and a half years, and in that time, I got to know the regulars and they got to know me, not just as the lady who bagged their purchases, but as someone just like them. One never really knows just how far a sincere look, a smile, or a kind word can really go until they see for themselves what has been built. I made so many friends and loyal customers during that time, not just with the regular patrons, but with former coworkers and bosses. They are what I miss the most about that job. Seeing them while out and about shopping at my former place of work is a lot like a reunion.
Then, there are the ones who seem to just not truly understand what it means to work in the field so many do. These people actually forget that we are human beings who have feelings, families of our own, and who deserve respect. They look down on us, and act as though we disgust them, like they wouldn't be caught dead talking to us or being seen with us in public. Those are the people I feel truly sorry for. I would also like to see them walk in our shoes for a few days, to see what it feels like to have people treat them the way they treat us, both good and bad. Their eyes would be open and it would humble them.
     Oh, one more thing about the man and his..lady friend. They left a bag of lemons in their booth. It was probably an accident, but lets just say when life hands you lemons..you take them home with you. They came back another day in a better mood and I more or less waited on them hand and foot. The man seemed a lot less threatening, but it didn't matter. They haven't been back since.

It Had to Happen Sooner or Later

Tonight, I finally worked up the courage to do something I have wanted to do for a couple of months, but for some reason I had kept putting off. It also happened to be extremely hard, but as the title says, it had to happen sooner or later. Denial was not doing me any real favors.

This girl and I had met one morning during sixth grade. She was a new student, and it didn't take long for she and I to become friends and then she met my best friend since first grade and the three of us became inseperable. This girl could take anything that the two of us did and kick it up to the next level. We were constantly getting called out in classes because we just had such a good time together. Then she moved. We didn't see her until the following year, and the shenanigans started over, but mostly at each other's houses. I found myself constantly getting into more trouble with her than I did with the bestie, but no matter what punishment Mom would usually dish out, afterwards, the fun would start over again. As fate would have it she moved sometime between seventh and eighth grade, and neither of us heard from her until we had gone through high school and had started our own little lives. We eventually got back together a couple of years ago and hit it off once more.

Unfortunately, things took a turn this year. She changed in a way neither of us really saw coming. Funny how life events can do things like that. She and her boyfriend decided they were going to get married and being her friends, we teamed up with another friend of hers to help plan the wedding shower and actual wedding itself. First of all, the budget was ridiculous. This other girl and ourselves decided to (and I really don't know why!) split the cost of the shower three ways, spending around $150-$200 each. Not long after that, omg, the fighting started. My bestie didn't have a job at the time and could not afford the pricey items this girl's new best friend wanted for her. She tried to get what she could but the best friend wasn't satisfied. After a few weeks of going back and forth and frustration, venting to me about how all that seemed to matter was money, she drops out of the shower planning. I decided to stay and help. Big mistake. I bought stamps for the wedding invites to be mailed, I split the cost of food, I even went to this girl's grandmother's house to help prepare for the party when the day came. We busted our behinds cleaning and prepping the food and decorating. I did everything I could to help make this day special for my "friend". In the end, all the credit went to the other girl. All the credit! They even took pictures together and it was posted on her Facebook. I felt gutted. This best friend of hers didn't even tell her I had helped.

I went to the wedding anyway, even though truthfully after that and a horrible altercation between her, the new bestie, and my friend, I felt guilty for showing up. I went because I had RSVP'd and it felt like the polite thing to do. Later I got home and logged into Facebook and of course, this "friend" had posted pictures of her special day. Now, mind you, all of the friends of the bride had taken pictures together, including me. Not one picture had me in it. Not one, well except for one where all anyone can see is my back and the back of my head. Naturally, anyone would be thinking to themselves that all that posing for those pics was pointless. I guess now it doesn't matter. Deep down, I knew that night would be the last time I would ever be with her in public. There was such a feeling of finality the whole time. I realized that despite my best efforts, there was really no place for me in her life. The two girls she and her husband are raising have no idea who I am. I was looking through photo albums and it turns out they had a birthday party for one of the girls. I never got my invite. This girl even changed her cell phone number and couldn't be bothered to give it to me. I have done nothing wrong to any of them. But since this all happened, I decided to just quietly slip away.