Where things stand

I'm still awake at this hour and REALLY don't want to be, but this for me is reality. I can't relax enough to go to sleep like a normal person. My brain lacks the critical off switch other people seem to have, and to top things off, I now work the night shift, so I get home from work around 1 AM as opposed to 6 PM. Big difference. More hours, yes. Less sleep, you bet. I seem to adapt though, as I have to many of the things this life has thrown at me.

I want to go back to school next month. I still owe money to ASU and I can't sleep because all I can think about is how much a week I have to give them in order to have my financial hold lifted so I can reapply. Everything else that I can think of has been done thus far. I have filed change of address forms with both the school and the post office, ordered checks, and yet, it feels like I'm forgetting something, well other than the fact that I could have done these things months ago. I need help and don't know where to turn.

When school starts, I will be back in good standing with ASU. Fall 2010 was a real eye opener as far as academics are concerned. Never have I worked as hard as I did that semester. Finally, something clicked and the grades that I had been capable of all along were starting to surface. No more procrastination, and less sleep to do what it took to get assignments finished. Often, I would finally crawl into bed around 2 AM after emailing the assignments to my Yahoo account so that they could be moved to Microsoft Word on a school computer, than fixed to meet various professors' requirements. It wasn't easy by any stretch, but it worked. This time will be easier, but with some of the same

The Dream

So I finally fell asleep around 3 AM..not unusual for yours truly. The dream I had, however..was strange as they come. Those who know me know I walk or take the bus pretty much everywhere. Being self sufficient just works better.

In this dream, I was driving. Something I have not done since 2002, the last time being my driver's test with Angelo Driving Academy, which I failed by 5 points if you must know. I failed because my mind was not focused on the right things, and because I was extremely nervous about that particular test. The driving skills in the dream really weren't that much better than they were all those years ago, but what I noticed was that as the dream wore on, I was gradually getting better at operating this car, and as it turns out is really is like learning to ride a bike. You don't forget, and this time, age helped tremendously, because I recall moving a lot of junk that was in the backseat to the trunk so there would be ample vision from the back. At 16, someone would have had to remind me to do this. It was scary, but the driving itself was slowly starting to feel natural. I had no one else with me, only the open road, and it seemed to be out in the middle of nowhere.

This has happened a couple of times already, only my driving skills didn't evolve in the last two dreams. Now, what could this mean exactly? Well, lets see, the acquiring of one's license is considered a major milestone isn't it? Could this have to do with where life is right now, like the prospect of being independent looming closer? Who knows, but that impulsive naturedness could very well come in handy in this case. Being spontaneous is fun and exciting, and things happen when you just get up and go.

Moving foward

It's been a couple of months since my last post. I have since moved out of the apartment and am now back in a house, which is nice in its own way. I no longer have to save quarters to wash my clothes, nor can I hear others through the walls. I have a real bed now and there is a backyard outside instead of a balcony.

I have been prescribed an anti depressant as well. This has affected me tremendously. On the positive side, my moods are normal (whatever that means), and because the medicine is taken at night, I don't have as much trouble falling asleep. I have to check back in with Dr. Gross in a month for an update.
On the negative side, I tire easily. Sometimes I swear it isn't working as well,  especially when the sadness comes back around, but I have to keep going. There is simply too much left to do.

In August, I want to continue work on my bachelor's degree. Knowing I have Aspergers means I am aware of money I could get for school, and I do plan to look into this, but I want to take a couple of classes in the fall to slowly ease myself back into the world of academia. I am eight school credit hours away from being classified as a junior at ASU and want to finish. I am tired of being bored and feel it's time. Also, school provides the chance to be around my friends and peers, which sounds wonderful.

Long term goals aren't usually set anymore because I can't seem to get them done..short term goals work better and allow better focus on the here and now. They are motivation to keep going if nothing else.

Officially an Aspie, and Other Ramblings..

Today was Valentines Day. For some, this meant a day of truly celebrating their love for a significant other. For others, birthdays and wedding anniversaries were celebrated. For me, it meant something else entirely. I had an appointment at 3 PM to see a psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Gross. I paid for the appointment after filling out three pages of paperwork..$225. It's a lot of money, but totally worth it for the information I received today.

I have suspected for many years that I could possibly have a disorder called Aspergers syndrome. Aspergers is characterized by the inability to interact and socialize with others, as well as extreme fixations on objects and topics most would not consider to be..how to put this..as important as others. Repetitive and compulsive behaviors are also part of this. My sister, who, honestly, I think knows me better than I do at times, mentioned last spring that she also believed I have this disorder. I finally got my referral a couple of months ago to see Dr. Gross and today was the big day. He confirmed what, really, had already been known. I have Aspergers syndrome, albeit a mild, high functioning form.  What relief to know this!

Now that my diagnosis has been made, the ball has begun rolling. I have to apply for Medicaid. My sister will fax the paperwork when I have finished filling it out online.

Dr. Gross informed me of other details of what else needs to happen, and then he shared with me that he knows a young man who is EXACTLY like me, well, diagnosis wise. This young man is a student at ASU and is also high functioning. I'm still thinking about this. He wants to introduce us. This man, like me, also does not drive. I'm wondering if the disorder kept me from truly grasping what I should have during the time I still had my learner's permit. Teenage life was full of anxiety and that test is huge, no matter what age. I shared with him that I was fine with not driving if it didn't happen, and that I would like to purchase a bicycle one day and learn to ride that instead. Hey, it's cheaper, and with a bike, you don't have to deal with gas prices.

Happy New Year :)

2012 has officially started..three hours ago. I stayed home, which is what I normally do. It feels safer to me than being out in public. There I watched the ball drop in Times Square, switching back and forth from Dick Clark's Rockin New Years Eve to MTV. I've done this every year since 1999.

I also decided to break down and by a Glade Plug-in Oil Warmer, deciding that I wanted to make my room smell like lavender and vanilla. Good choice..oh it smells so good!:)

At the moment, I'm listening to what I believe is one of the greatest songs ever written. It's called "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. My favorite line is "Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance". To me that says that struggles are a part of being alive. No one gets through this life unscathed, and our struggles are really there to make us stronger people.

I was discussing the different accents with some friends at work after I got off, and mentioned that my dad was originally from Maine and despite his military services and living in different places, he never lost his accent. I explained to the woman that I didn't have a true blue Texan accent because of the 12 years I had with him, but how cool that was to have a mix of a southern accent and a Maine accent constantly around. She shared that because of her husband's military service and them having to live all over, she actually did pick up accents, but eventually lost them. Interesting.

I was told by someone today that I should make a career out of my writing. Truthfully, I would love that. Really. So many have said that I write very well, including an English professor I had in Fall 2010.  It's easy for me to pour my heart and soul into what I write, and it works better for me than verbally trying to get thoughts and points across. Sometimes I can't even get a sentence out because the words tumble out of my mouth so quickly and without any coherence. Blogging it is!

As luck might have it..

A few days ago, a friend invited me to Blanek's for breakfast, so knowing I was off, I agreed. This morning I overslept and had the worst cab ride to Blanek's or to anywhere for that matter. I had the guy pick me up in front of HEB like I normally would, and told him where I was going. The first thing out of this guy's mouth was "Where's that?" Now, I'm no expert of any kind, but shouldn't a cab driver know where places are? They make their living giving people rides! This isn't the first time I've gotten into a cab and dealt with that. Long story short, he winds up getting lost and THEN asks the dispatch where the place is. I ended up paying $20 for a ride that usually costs me around $6. By the time I got to my destination, my friend had already eaten and had to leave..This is the second time this year this company has caused me to miss out on spending time with people I care about. Looks like I'll be catching the bus from now on.
The day did get better. I texted a friend from church who lived nearby, and she and I had a nice little visit. We went to the stores around the area because she was in search of a Christmas globe ornament for tonight's Christmas banquet. We didn't find anything but she said another woman from church had extra. I got a ride home from a mutual friend, but not before I looked at the apartment the lady from church lived in. She said they have some that are income based. The more I look at them, the more I like what I see.
I also attended the graduation ceremony of my niece's best friend, who, today earned her bachelor's degree in interdisciplinary studies. Congrats, again, girl. You have shown time and again what a hard worker you are, and have made it clear that you intend to settle for nothing less than the best. Have fun swimming with the dolphins!

December :)

Well, December has begun and the Christmas season is upon us. I'm not sure whether to go out and buy Christmas cards to send to people or if an ecard would be a better option. I have decided that if I do the regular card thing, they will say CHRISTMAS and not HOLIDAY. "Holiday" cards to me make very little sense, because the ones I've seen all have Christmas trees on them, or a Nativity scene.

Today was a very interesting day, to say the least. It started out a bit late, as Sundays normally are for me. Thrown into the mix were  a few moments of randomness and some nice surprises for good measure as the day progressed. It really started after I left church. Someone had been trying to offer me a ride, as a lot of people do, because it was very cold out today. I kind of snuck out when she had her focus turned elsewhere, which may seem kind of mean, but sometimes, I just REALLY want to be left alone. That, and sometimes it's good to be a little self sufficient. Can't depend on people to help me all the time, even though it's really out of the goodness of their hearts. I ended up at LJS and just sat there with my food for a LONG time, just feeling sad and hopeless.

After a while of just sitting there, this woman came up, seemingly out of nowhere. She remarked that I looked so sad and lonely sitting there by myself. I smiled a little and told her it was ok, I was used to being alone. That always seems to shock people when I say that, but it's true. I spent a lot of time by myself as a kid, and found solace in that.  I was never that good at talking to people and even now, I just can't have long conversations. The exception is if the person is someone I've know for a while and have grown accustomed to. Eye contact isn't easy for me either. After a while, I HAVE to look somewhere else.

Anyway, this woman turned out to be a very interesting person, and we had a really good conversation about just random things. We ended up sharing a booth and it honestly felt like I had known this woman my entire life. While we were talking, I got to thinking about how God sends people to us at just the right moments, and when this woman showed up, I had been really wishing for that feeling of lonliness to go away. I really hope to encounter her again soon.

Well, my bed is calling and my eyelids are growing heavier with every minute I remain awake. Goodnight world.