Mother's Day is coming up. This used to be a day of happiness and joy, but it brings me nothing but pain now. Mom died in 2008 and I don't have a relationship with my birth mom, but not because I didn't try. She's just not the kind of person you bond with. She seemed kind of detached the last time I saw her, and it was like somewhere within herself, she decided I had turned out fine without her and that I would continue to be that way..
Mom meant the world to me and then some. Earlier when I was remembering all the things she did, I remembered this one time I had been sick with asthma as a child..again. It was during the cooler months, so of course there were problems with it. Anyway, I remember being asleep when I felt someone lift up the back of my pajama top and put their ear to my back to listen for wheezing. I knew it was her and wasn't startled. She ended up crawling into my bed with me and sleeping next to me all the rest of that night. That was only one way in which she showed her love and concern, but today as I remembered that night, it touched me and made me cry a little. She is so missed, it's not funny. I feel like I hit the adoption lottery when God gave me my parents, and will never understand why He took them away.
The day came and went and I made it through just fine. I posted my usual piece of advice/tribute and after I said my piece, that was really it. I had lunch at home with my sisters and went off to work.
Now I sit here typing 9 days later. It is nearly 4 AM and for some reason, the urge to write is as strong as it is any other time. I see compliments on pictures of other family members from someone who never compliments my pictures, and I feel invisible, but I feel that way to this person all the time. Other family members are very much visible. Idk if it's because of something I did or didn't do, or if the way I turned out is somehow unacceptable to her. I overhear talk sometimes about what people think of me and to be honest, I struggle at those times to bite my tongue. I include very few people in my daily life because I simply am tired of trying to convince myself that they are even slightly interested. It's a lot of the reason why when I finally get my crap together and leave, I won't really be around. Those who have my number will know where to reach me. I'm not depressed, and I have the mentality to do whatever I want to do and to be successful. My problem is that I get too comfortable. It is so easy to fall into a routine and just keep things as they are, and the Asperger's complicates this even further. Human beings, by nature are creatures of habit, and I also have this way of managing to make things harder than they have to be.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
December stuff
One goal accomplished, so many more to reach. That's pretty much the way things usually are, but at least with getting back into school, I feel like things are going in the right direction. This coming semester will only have two classes, but I have to buy five books. The British Lit class has four and they're all pretty cheap. I get to read Beowulf again, after having read it in English IV nine years ago, not to mention Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Those were the two that stood out the most as far as the class, and then I have to buy this bundle package for ECH 3350, so I'm thinking software is involved, and that I will have to register on some website to work..maybe Taskstream. I hope so, but I haven't touched my page in two years, and I couldn't figure out how to switch two assignments. Other than that, Maxedon said it looked good, and I have her again for this class. Woot!
Elaine and I went to Blanek's for breakfast last week, and as usual, people felt the need to stare at us. They always stare at us! We are two people, minding our own damn business, just trying to blend in, and yet we always attract dirty looks and stares. We know why. We know people are nosy, judgemental, and generally clueless, and don't seem to understand that there is nothing wrong with two women eating breakfast together and having a good time. We have been best friends for going on two decades, and honestly, this whole thing is getting awkward. It's one of the reasons I won't go back to Kozy Kitchen. The waitress there was no different. She was wearing some blouse with crosses all over it (not hard to find in a town like this one) and kept leaning in toward us, like somehow she was going to fix something she didn't like about us. Now, I'm not coming out of any closet here, whether it be a figurative one, or the one people seem to have built around us. Those who I spend most of my time with know that the only identity I cling to is the one I made for myself. I'm not the type to condemn others for being "different" either. I know what it is to have that happen, and to be honest, this whole gay thing has been following us since the sixth grade when someone at school decided to start a rumor about Elaine and I. We were 12 years old then and barely had any real idea about what that meant. Thank God there was no such thing as social media back then. The poor kids of today who are going through similar trials have so much more to worry about than the occasional pointing and whispering that we put up with. The reason both of us act like we're tough is because we've had to. Oh, and FYI, I have only dated guys up to this point, with little success. I'm not the dating type, unless some kind of miracle occurs and someone special just appears out of nowhere. Not that it matters, because I don't flirt with people. It could be the whole personality bit, but I firmly believe it's the Asperger's affecting my behavior, but it really doesn't matter.
Elaine and I went to Blanek's for breakfast last week, and as usual, people felt the need to stare at us. They always stare at us! We are two people, minding our own damn business, just trying to blend in, and yet we always attract dirty looks and stares. We know why. We know people are nosy, judgemental, and generally clueless, and don't seem to understand that there is nothing wrong with two women eating breakfast together and having a good time. We have been best friends for going on two decades, and honestly, this whole thing is getting awkward. It's one of the reasons I won't go back to Kozy Kitchen. The waitress there was no different. She was wearing some blouse with crosses all over it (not hard to find in a town like this one) and kept leaning in toward us, like somehow she was going to fix something she didn't like about us. Now, I'm not coming out of any closet here, whether it be a figurative one, or the one people seem to have built around us. Those who I spend most of my time with know that the only identity I cling to is the one I made for myself. I'm not the type to condemn others for being "different" either. I know what it is to have that happen, and to be honest, this whole gay thing has been following us since the sixth grade when someone at school decided to start a rumor about Elaine and I. We were 12 years old then and barely had any real idea about what that meant. Thank God there was no such thing as social media back then. The poor kids of today who are going through similar trials have so much more to worry about than the occasional pointing and whispering that we put up with. The reason both of us act like we're tough is because we've had to. Oh, and FYI, I have only dated guys up to this point, with little success. I'm not the dating type, unless some kind of miracle occurs and someone special just appears out of nowhere. Not that it matters, because I don't flirt with people. It could be the whole personality bit, but I firmly believe it's the Asperger's affecting my behavior, but it really doesn't matter.
Things I Wanted to Tell You But Never Did
Hi. I see you deleted me from your friends list tonight, saying I was very rude and complaining that I never talked to you despite your efforts to be a good friend. The truth is, I have been busy with life and since our, well my, best friend we used to share warned me that you were behaving toward me in much the same way before you did what you did to her and her family, I was a bit cautious. But it's OK. I've actually been wanting to say a lot of things to you, but wasn't really sure how.
Lets start with how you perceive the reasoning behind the lack of words. You think it's because of what happened between you and her last summer. It wasn't so much that, although what happened did play a small part. The truth is, we grew apart. You found someone else to be your best friend and moved on with life, forgetting the fact that this other girl and I were your friends long before this new person was. Now, truth be told, yes all of us are human and fully capable of errors, but things really never did recover between us after that. After things blew up with my best friend, who you hurt, I decided to still help you with the bridal shower last summer. Costs were split for the price of food and decorations, your best friend and I cleaned the area of the house that was going to be used, we all prepared (her family included) the food for you and everyone who showed up, and in the end, you gave her all the credit for the work. ALL the credit, for the work, that both of us did. You even posed with her at the party and posted it to your Facebook and said you had such a loving best friend for doing that for you. Forget me.
Oh, and I wanted to be in your wedding, but you never asked or offered a place. I didn't want to go that badly after all that had happened but decided to be a good sport and go anyway. Remember all of those pictures that were taken of all of your friends that day, and all the different poses? I was in those pictures, too. But none of those were posted on your wall. There is one, where you can see the back of my head. Thanks.
After all that was said and done, I was looking through your photos one night and saw without a doubt, that you had moved on and found other friends, so I decided enough was enough and blocked you and your best friend. It was hard, but it had to be done. Thing was, you still had my number and when you discovered this, you kept texting, so I, like an idiot, re added you. Halloween I unfriended you again, after just giving up. You clearly were doing just fine, and so was I. Doing it wasn't so hard this time around.
Then this last time, you said you had come to your senses after your new best friend stabbed you in the back. We messaged back and forth for a while and I put you back on my list of friends, but with caution. Then you kept asking me and asking me to try and convince my friend to be friends with you again. The chances of that happening were slim and you probably knew that. I stopped talking to you mostly over that. I must admit, when you want something, you really know how to go after it.
School started a couple of weeks ago and between that and work, I don't have a lot of time to do much else. I work nights and when I'm not there, I'm at home, reading or studying. You think I was ignoring you, but in truth, well I was actually, but it's school and school is really important. I couldn't allow a lot of distraction. Sorry you felt the way you did, and that you don't seem to understand. Have a nice life.
Lets start with how you perceive the reasoning behind the lack of words. You think it's because of what happened between you and her last summer. It wasn't so much that, although what happened did play a small part. The truth is, we grew apart. You found someone else to be your best friend and moved on with life, forgetting the fact that this other girl and I were your friends long before this new person was. Now, truth be told, yes all of us are human and fully capable of errors, but things really never did recover between us after that. After things blew up with my best friend, who you hurt, I decided to still help you with the bridal shower last summer. Costs were split for the price of food and decorations, your best friend and I cleaned the area of the house that was going to be used, we all prepared (her family included) the food for you and everyone who showed up, and in the end, you gave her all the credit for the work. ALL the credit, for the work, that both of us did. You even posed with her at the party and posted it to your Facebook and said you had such a loving best friend for doing that for you. Forget me.
Oh, and I wanted to be in your wedding, but you never asked or offered a place. I didn't want to go that badly after all that had happened but decided to be a good sport and go anyway. Remember all of those pictures that were taken of all of your friends that day, and all the different poses? I was in those pictures, too. But none of those were posted on your wall. There is one, where you can see the back of my head. Thanks.
After all that was said and done, I was looking through your photos one night and saw without a doubt, that you had moved on and found other friends, so I decided enough was enough and blocked you and your best friend. It was hard, but it had to be done. Thing was, you still had my number and when you discovered this, you kept texting, so I, like an idiot, re added you. Halloween I unfriended you again, after just giving up. You clearly were doing just fine, and so was I. Doing it wasn't so hard this time around.
Then this last time, you said you had come to your senses after your new best friend stabbed you in the back. We messaged back and forth for a while and I put you back on my list of friends, but with caution. Then you kept asking me and asking me to try and convince my friend to be friends with you again. The chances of that happening were slim and you probably knew that. I stopped talking to you mostly over that. I must admit, when you want something, you really know how to go after it.
School started a couple of weeks ago and between that and work, I don't have a lot of time to do much else. I work nights and when I'm not there, I'm at home, reading or studying. You think I was ignoring you, but in truth, well I was actually, but it's school and school is really important. I couldn't allow a lot of distraction. Sorry you felt the way you did, and that you don't seem to understand. Have a nice life.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Last night, something happened that truly terrified me. I was at work, and like Sunday nights would normally be, we were busy. I had a register and always work front counter, so my job is to take orders, and send them to the back. When there aren't any customers, I help make the orders for the fries and onion rings, make sure we have enough apple and lemon pies, and prepare the chicken entrees if needed. I don't have any control over any other station. This HUGE man comes in with his, I don't know, she could have been his daughter, girlfriend, whatever. Anyway, they place their order and find a seat. Time passes, orders go out to other customers, and eventually his order comes around. Fresh fries were only seconds away. I had just finished with my line of people when he comes storming up to the counter, angrily demanding to know why he hasn't gotten his food. I was the one standing there, and so of course, he is asking me this. I don't know, and to be honest, at this point, he looked like he wanted to physically attack me, so I was afraid. He again demands to know where his food is, saying something to the effect of "You can't give me an answer of where my food is?! I've been here longer than anyone else and they all got their food!" Now, look, he's not the first one this has ever happened to, and it does happen from time to time. The cooks got swamped back at the grill. They had a lot of orders to make and made an honest mistake. Once the fries came up, I put them on his tray and he takes the tray from me and sits down. Not 5 minutes later, he comes back. Apparently his burger was wrong. He's even angrier at this point, and his presence is threatening. I alert the manager on duty and he gives her the burger and is telling her, basically how stupid we are for messing his burger up, how long he had to wait, etc. He then tells her he wants a fresh burger and don't just slap the cheese on there, but he makes this motion like he's pounding his fist into his hand.
I had another line of customers at this point who were seeing this man's behavior, but they seemed to have this "better you than me" attitude. How sad. I then finished taking their order, my voice and body trembling with fear and on the verge of tears. When I finished, the matriarch of the group asked me what my name was. She then told me it wouldn't have killed me to smile. What the hell?! Go ahead. My feelings don't matter do they? I'm less than you and him because of where I work (or so you think) , and you actually think I should smile at you when I am clearly terrified and in distress? How dare you! I got through the next two groups of people I had and turned to my boss and another girl who was working, already crying, telling them I would be back.
What followed was something I usually don't do. Once the bathroom door closed behind me, I let it all out. It felt more like a panic attack once the breathing started, fast and hard. I cried my eyes out. Once the worst part seemed to be over, I washed my face with cold water and composed myself as well as I could. I walked up to the work station and grabbed the next ready order. Let me tell you, the people I delivered the food to could not have been more nice. They even called me ma'am. As the evening wore on, the tears would occasionally resurface. Eventually, they stopped altogether, and things went well the rest of the evening.
Most people who would encounter someone like ourselves, those of us who seem to work the jobs lowest on the proverbial totem pole, realize that we are just people doing our job. I love the fact that our regulars treat us like extended family. They love what we do for them and keep coming back to cheer us on, and we in turn, keep serving things up. My last job was a lot like that. I was with Dollar General for five and a half years, and in that time, I got to know the regulars and they got to know me, not just as the lady who bagged their purchases, but as someone just like them. One never really knows just how far a sincere look, a smile, or a kind word can really go until they see for themselves what has been built. I made so many friends and loyal customers during that time, not just with the regular patrons, but with former coworkers and bosses. They are what I miss the most about that job. Seeing them while out and about shopping at my former place of work is a lot like a reunion.
Then, there are the ones who seem to just not truly understand what it means to work in the field so many do. These people actually forget that we are human beings who have feelings, families of our own, and who deserve respect. They look down on us, and act as though we disgust them, like they wouldn't be caught dead talking to us or being seen with us in public. Those are the people I feel truly sorry for. I would also like to see them walk in our shoes for a few days, to see what it feels like to have people treat them the way they treat us, both good and bad. Their eyes would be open and it would humble them.
Oh, one more thing about the man and his..lady friend. They left a bag of lemons in their booth. It was probably an accident, but lets just say when life hands you lemons..you take them home with you. They came back another day in a better mood and I more or less waited on them hand and foot. The man seemed a lot less threatening, but it didn't matter. They haven't been back since.
I had another line of customers at this point who were seeing this man's behavior, but they seemed to have this "better you than me" attitude. How sad. I then finished taking their order, my voice and body trembling with fear and on the verge of tears. When I finished, the matriarch of the group asked me what my name was. She then told me it wouldn't have killed me to smile. What the hell?! Go ahead. My feelings don't matter do they? I'm less than you and him because of where I work (or so you think) , and you actually think I should smile at you when I am clearly terrified and in distress? How dare you! I got through the next two groups of people I had and turned to my boss and another girl who was working, already crying, telling them I would be back.
What followed was something I usually don't do. Once the bathroom door closed behind me, I let it all out. It felt more like a panic attack once the breathing started, fast and hard. I cried my eyes out. Once the worst part seemed to be over, I washed my face with cold water and composed myself as well as I could. I walked up to the work station and grabbed the next ready order. Let me tell you, the people I delivered the food to could not have been more nice. They even called me ma'am. As the evening wore on, the tears would occasionally resurface. Eventually, they stopped altogether, and things went well the rest of the evening.
Most people who would encounter someone like ourselves, those of us who seem to work the jobs lowest on the proverbial totem pole, realize that we are just people doing our job. I love the fact that our regulars treat us like extended family. They love what we do for them and keep coming back to cheer us on, and we in turn, keep serving things up. My last job was a lot like that. I was with Dollar General for five and a half years, and in that time, I got to know the regulars and they got to know me, not just as the lady who bagged their purchases, but as someone just like them. One never really knows just how far a sincere look, a smile, or a kind word can really go until they see for themselves what has been built. I made so many friends and loyal customers during that time, not just with the regular patrons, but with former coworkers and bosses. They are what I miss the most about that job. Seeing them while out and about shopping at my former place of work is a lot like a reunion.
Then, there are the ones who seem to just not truly understand what it means to work in the field so many do. These people actually forget that we are human beings who have feelings, families of our own, and who deserve respect. They look down on us, and act as though we disgust them, like they wouldn't be caught dead talking to us or being seen with us in public. Those are the people I feel truly sorry for. I would also like to see them walk in our shoes for a few days, to see what it feels like to have people treat them the way they treat us, both good and bad. Their eyes would be open and it would humble them.
Oh, one more thing about the man and his..lady friend. They left a bag of lemons in their booth. It was probably an accident, but lets just say when life hands you lemons..you take them home with you. They came back another day in a better mood and I more or less waited on them hand and foot. The man seemed a lot less threatening, but it didn't matter. They haven't been back since.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
It Had to Happen Sooner or Later
Tonight, I finally worked up the courage to do something I have wanted to do for a couple of months, but for some reason I had kept putting off. It also happened to be extremely hard, but as the title says, it had to happen sooner or later. Denial was not doing me any real favors.
This girl and I had met one morning during sixth grade. She was a new student, and it didn't take long for she and I to become friends and then she met my best friend since first grade and the three of us became inseperable. This girl could take anything that the two of us did and kick it up to the next level. We were constantly getting called out in classes because we just had such a good time together. Then she moved. We didn't see her until the following year, and the shenanigans started over, but mostly at each other's houses. I found myself constantly getting into more trouble with her than I did with the bestie, but no matter what punishment Mom would usually dish out, afterwards, the fun would start over again. As fate would have it she moved sometime between seventh and eighth grade, and neither of us heard from her until we had gone through high school and had started our own little lives. We eventually got back together a couple of years ago and hit it off once more.
Unfortunately, things took a turn this year. She changed in a way neither of us really saw coming. Funny how life events can do things like that. She and her boyfriend decided they were going to get married and being her friends, we teamed up with another friend of hers to help plan the wedding shower and actual wedding itself. First of all, the budget was ridiculous. This other girl and ourselves decided to (and I really don't know why!) split the cost of the shower three ways, spending around $150-$200 each. Not long after that, omg, the fighting started. My bestie didn't have a job at the time and could not afford the pricey items this girl's new best friend wanted for her. She tried to get what she could but the best friend wasn't satisfied. After a few weeks of going back and forth and frustration, venting to me about how all that seemed to matter was money, she drops out of the shower planning. I decided to stay and help. Big mistake. I bought stamps for the wedding invites to be mailed, I split the cost of food, I even went to this girl's grandmother's house to help prepare for the party when the day came. We busted our behinds cleaning and prepping the food and decorating. I did everything I could to help make this day special for my "friend". In the end, all the credit went to the other girl. All the credit! They even took pictures together and it was posted on her Facebook. I felt gutted. This best friend of hers didn't even tell her I had helped.
I went to the wedding anyway, even though truthfully after that and a horrible altercation between her, the new bestie, and my friend, I felt guilty for showing up. I went because I had RSVP'd and it felt like the polite thing to do. Later I got home and logged into Facebook and of course, this "friend" had posted pictures of her special day. Now, mind you, all of the friends of the bride had taken pictures together, including me. Not one picture had me in it. Not one, well except for one where all anyone can see is my back and the back of my head. Naturally, anyone would be thinking to themselves that all that posing for those pics was pointless. I guess now it doesn't matter. Deep down, I knew that night would be the last time I would ever be with her in public. There was such a feeling of finality the whole time. I realized that despite my best efforts, there was really no place for me in her life. The two girls she and her husband are raising have no idea who I am. I was looking through photo albums and it turns out they had a birthday party for one of the girls. I never got my invite. This girl even changed her cell phone number and couldn't be bothered to give it to me. I have done nothing wrong to any of them. But since this all happened, I decided to just quietly slip away.
This girl and I had met one morning during sixth grade. She was a new student, and it didn't take long for she and I to become friends and then she met my best friend since first grade and the three of us became inseperable. This girl could take anything that the two of us did and kick it up to the next level. We were constantly getting called out in classes because we just had such a good time together. Then she moved. We didn't see her until the following year, and the shenanigans started over, but mostly at each other's houses. I found myself constantly getting into more trouble with her than I did with the bestie, but no matter what punishment Mom would usually dish out, afterwards, the fun would start over again. As fate would have it she moved sometime between seventh and eighth grade, and neither of us heard from her until we had gone through high school and had started our own little lives. We eventually got back together a couple of years ago and hit it off once more.
Unfortunately, things took a turn this year. She changed in a way neither of us really saw coming. Funny how life events can do things like that. She and her boyfriend decided they were going to get married and being her friends, we teamed up with another friend of hers to help plan the wedding shower and actual wedding itself. First of all, the budget was ridiculous. This other girl and ourselves decided to (and I really don't know why!) split the cost of the shower three ways, spending around $150-$200 each. Not long after that, omg, the fighting started. My bestie didn't have a job at the time and could not afford the pricey items this girl's new best friend wanted for her. She tried to get what she could but the best friend wasn't satisfied. After a few weeks of going back and forth and frustration, venting to me about how all that seemed to matter was money, she drops out of the shower planning. I decided to stay and help. Big mistake. I bought stamps for the wedding invites to be mailed, I split the cost of food, I even went to this girl's grandmother's house to help prepare for the party when the day came. We busted our behinds cleaning and prepping the food and decorating. I did everything I could to help make this day special for my "friend". In the end, all the credit went to the other girl. All the credit! They even took pictures together and it was posted on her Facebook. I felt gutted. This best friend of hers didn't even tell her I had helped.
I went to the wedding anyway, even though truthfully after that and a horrible altercation between her, the new bestie, and my friend, I felt guilty for showing up. I went because I had RSVP'd and it felt like the polite thing to do. Later I got home and logged into Facebook and of course, this "friend" had posted pictures of her special day. Now, mind you, all of the friends of the bride had taken pictures together, including me. Not one picture had me in it. Not one, well except for one where all anyone can see is my back and the back of my head. Naturally, anyone would be thinking to themselves that all that posing for those pics was pointless. I guess now it doesn't matter. Deep down, I knew that night would be the last time I would ever be with her in public. There was such a feeling of finality the whole time. I realized that despite my best efforts, there was really no place for me in her life. The two girls she and her husband are raising have no idea who I am. I was looking through photo albums and it turns out they had a birthday party for one of the girls. I never got my invite. This girl even changed her cell phone number and couldn't be bothered to give it to me. I have done nothing wrong to any of them. But since this all happened, I decided to just quietly slip away.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Soo..yeah
I got off half an hour early tonight. To be exact, 37 minutes ahead of schedule. The relief was immense. I have not enjoyed these last few nights, truthfully, and when I did clock out, the pressure headaches I get when I stress did not. It eventually ceased. Yay.
I might be headed back to retail soon. Truth is, work is work, but it is a constant source of frustration, and the communication sucks. Staying quiet about things is getting difficult, and my opinions are making themselves known. I am also tired of coming home smelling like grease, and my uniforms are getting nasty. Twice a week, they get a generous dousing of Spray n Wash then they are washed, and laid out to dry. They still look disgusting, and when you know this about yourself, it's hard to take any pride in your appearance. But for now, until something else comes along, I will just have to suck it up. I don't care when I end up working at this next job, but I will aim for a place that closes, especially holidays.
I feel the thing that frustrates me the most is knowing all of us are supposed to be a team, but it never fails; there is always one or two people who believe their primary job is to just stand there. Or text constantly. Or complain. I could go on and on, but it's not hard to get the picture. The work load, as a result is not spread out evenly, but rather falls to a one person or small group of persons. It isn't so much that no one knows what they are supposed to do, especially those who have been there for a while. I am one of those people who looks for something to do when things are slow. I also try to keep those around me from falling too far behind. It feels as though no one notices this but every once in a while, someone says something encouraging, and it's as if a weight is lifted.
I really could go on, but maybe some other time. My bed is calling, and I have to work again tomorrow, so I need to get my rest and gear up for another shift. One more day and I get to relax..
I might be headed back to retail soon. Truth is, work is work, but it is a constant source of frustration, and the communication sucks. Staying quiet about things is getting difficult, and my opinions are making themselves known. I am also tired of coming home smelling like grease, and my uniforms are getting nasty. Twice a week, they get a generous dousing of Spray n Wash then they are washed, and laid out to dry. They still look disgusting, and when you know this about yourself, it's hard to take any pride in your appearance. But for now, until something else comes along, I will just have to suck it up. I don't care when I end up working at this next job, but I will aim for a place that closes, especially holidays.
I feel the thing that frustrates me the most is knowing all of us are supposed to be a team, but it never fails; there is always one or two people who believe their primary job is to just stand there. Or text constantly. Or complain. I could go on and on, but it's not hard to get the picture. The work load, as a result is not spread out evenly, but rather falls to a one person or small group of persons. It isn't so much that no one knows what they are supposed to do, especially those who have been there for a while. I am one of those people who looks for something to do when things are slow. I also try to keep those around me from falling too far behind. It feels as though no one notices this but every once in a while, someone says something encouraging, and it's as if a weight is lifted.
I really could go on, but maybe some other time. My bed is calling, and I have to work again tomorrow, so I need to get my rest and gear up for another shift. One more day and I get to relax..
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
October Update
I turned 27 last Friday, but for some reason, I just wasn't all that excited about my birthday. It didn't matter to me in the least, and honestly, had it not been for the fact that I had to work that evening, there is a good chance I would have just slept all day. I did, however, enjoy and appreciate the fact that a lot of my Facebook friends took the time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. That always means a lot. I got some neat presents, too, as well as three birthday cakes, including what's left of the one my sisters bought for me. It's awesome looking, pink and purple swirls inside with white icing. A princess cake, I think it's called. As far as I'm concerned, it's cake. I like cake a lot, and all of them were quite tasty.
I think my depression is getting better. The meds help, but my goal is to help myself through the spells as much as possible. It also helps to really think about why I happen to be upset at that moment and what can be done to solve the situation. Take tonight for example. I watched a few videos on YouTube about military familes being reunited with their beloved members, and after two videos, I started crying. You see, watching those reunions made me think of my dad, who served in the Air Force for 27 years. There were times when he was gone for a long time, and I tried to imagine what Mom and my siblings must have felt when it was their turn for the reunion. Then I started really missing him. Mind you, he's been gone a very long time. September of 1998 seems like an eternity ago sometimes. My niece, who was a baby at the time, is now 14 years old and in high school. Her brother was 2 and now he's old enough to drive. If only he could see them now. What would he think? The crying lasted a few minutes, but it's all good now. There is a peaceful feeling instead of sadness.
I think my depression is getting better. The meds help, but my goal is to help myself through the spells as much as possible. It also helps to really think about why I happen to be upset at that moment and what can be done to solve the situation. Take tonight for example. I watched a few videos on YouTube about military familes being reunited with their beloved members, and after two videos, I started crying. You see, watching those reunions made me think of my dad, who served in the Air Force for 27 years. There were times when he was gone for a long time, and I tried to imagine what Mom and my siblings must have felt when it was their turn for the reunion. Then I started really missing him. Mind you, he's been gone a very long time. September of 1998 seems like an eternity ago sometimes. My niece, who was a baby at the time, is now 14 years old and in high school. Her brother was 2 and now he's old enough to drive. If only he could see them now. What would he think? The crying lasted a few minutes, but it's all good now. There is a peaceful feeling instead of sadness.
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