May 2013 Update

     Mother's Day is coming up. This used to be a day of happiness and joy, but it brings me nothing but pain now. Mom died in 2008 and I don't have a relationship with my birth mom, but not because I didn't try. She's just not the kind of person you bond with. She seemed kind of detached the last time I saw her, and it was like somewhere within herself, she decided I had turned out fine without her and that I would continue to be that way..
     Mom meant the world to me and then some. Earlier when I was remembering all the things she did, I remembered this one time I had been sick with asthma as a child..again. It was during the cooler months, so of course there were problems with it. Anyway, I remember being asleep when I felt someone lift up the back of my pajama top and put their ear to my back to listen for wheezing. I knew it was her and wasn't startled. She ended up crawling into my bed with me and sleeping next to me all the rest of that night. That was only one way in which she showed her love and concern, but today as I remembered that night, it touched me and made me cry a little. She is so missed, it's not funny. I feel like I hit the adoption lottery when God gave me my parents, and will never understand why He took them away.
     The day came and went and I made it through just fine. I posted my usual piece of advice/tribute and after I said my piece, that was really it. I had lunch at home with my sisters and went off to work.
    Now I sit here typing 9 days later. It is nearly 4 AM and for some reason, the urge to write is as strong as it is any other time. I see compliments on pictures of other family members from someone who never compliments my pictures, and I feel invisible, but I feel that way to this person all the time. Other family members are very much visible. Idk if it's because of something I did or didn't do, or if  the way I turned out is somehow unacceptable to her. I overhear talk sometimes about what people think of me and to be honest, I struggle at those times to bite my tongue. I include very few people in my daily life because I simply am tired of trying to convince myself that they are even slightly interested. It's a lot of the reason why when I finally get my crap together and leave, I won't really be around. Those who have my number will know where to reach me. I'm not depressed, and  I have the mentality to do whatever I want to do and to be successful. My problem is that I get too comfortable. It is so easy to fall into a routine and just keep things as they are, and the Asperger's complicates this even further. Human beings, by nature are creatures of habit, and I also have this way of managing to make things harder than they have to be.