Big changes

I finally did it. Last week, I moved out on my own. Moving out and getting my own place is something I have dreamed about for the last ten years, and it's finally happened. It's a lot to deal with. I'm learning a lot because I'm quite literally on my own, and the majority of the time, I really don't have anyone to talk to, so my days are quiet. I've done things like change my address, pick up the key to my mailbox, clean up every day, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. I'm figuring out who I am bit by bit, and it's doing a world of good.
Today, some friends of mine and I cleaned out the storage unit I've had since 2012. Now my apartment is full of more junk then it was when I moved in, and I'm going through it box by box. It's made me realize I have serious hoarding problems, and I guess this realization came with getting older and learning to view the world differently. I'm more interested now in what I can put into this life, and what I can give to others, rather than taking. Also, the idea of having to keep up with things I haven't used in God knows how long is not one I want to explore. I told my sister I'm getting rid of the majority of this stuff. I'm keeping photographs of course, but most of the clothing is going, as is most of the paper stuff. The old textbooks I'm not sure about. There is still useful information in there, but they're no longer being used in the courses I took and wouldn't be relevant to today's students anyway.
Grad school is going well. It's a far cry from when I was working on my bachelors' degree. Now classes are eight weeks long, and the research is extensive. Thankfully I like research because we as people are truly life-long learners and there is so much information out there waiting to be discovered. There also seems to be more freedom in what we research. Last week I did a presentation on gainful employment for one of my courses. Gainful employment means graduates are able to find jobs in their chosen career fields, and one of the big concepts was that the career fields would enable them to pay off student debts. This week, I'm doing another one on community colleges, and I'm tempted to just profile Howard College, since it's here in San Angelo, but after interviewing the assistant director for admissions last week, branching out and finding one outside of San Angelo feels more appropriate. She said not to limit oneself to ASU or Howard, and there are a lot of schools to choose from. I'm also doing a group project on nature vs. nurture for the other course. All of this reminds me I need to look for a job on either campus to get my foot in the door. I graduate in eight months, and my current job barely pays for groceries and the bare basics.

A Better Place

     Since writing my last blog post, life has changed, definitely for the better. I continued to pour myself into academics and finally achieved a goal I set in 2009, which was to make the Dean's List at Angelo State. Making this list came after a lot of hard work, dedication, studying, and coffee. It also took discipline and persistence. Honestly, though I had no idea I had even gotten myself on the Dean's List until three months ago, while I was writing a speech. What a nice shock and surprise. Heck, I even managed to do it again for the Spring 2016 semester. Nothing can stop me now.   
     I took my final dose of the depression medication Lexapro back in August. Half of a pill was too much for me. It was a scary thing to do, deciding to stop, but I haven't looked back. So far, I'm nine months off and doing well. The therapist and even my doctor supported my decision. The one who originally prescribed it is no longer practicing psychiatry due to being in federal prison, and I think he gave me too high of a dosage anyway. 40 milligrams is a lot to handle, and I often remember wondering
during those days if that is what being stoned out of my mind felt like. I do know that the last time I took the pill, I felt as though I was in an alternate universe, and I couldn't understand why I was put on front register at work, knowing I was under the influence. So much for taking the edge off the crying. After that, I decided to handle depression another way, and keeping myself occupied works well.
    My GPA is finally high enough for Block, and I'm super excited to get to put my knowledge to use. I'm also excited to not have to retake anymore classes. I am returning to school in July to take my final non-practicum course, then start Block in August. The people I've talked to say its a lot of work, which, I would imagine it is for having to take 18 hours. I've never taken that many classes before, although I have done 15 before. In the meantime, I'm working, trying to earn extra money, or at least put some back every week. I don't know what my transportation issues look like yet, and won't for a while. I'm hoping to have as much control over it as possible. and I'm hoping the practicum people take my lack of car into consideration. I do have a bike now, but my riding skills are practically non-existent. I'm working on it.
     All things considered, life is good right now. I am optimistic for what the future holds, and truly feel that I am in a better place now.

The "D" word

Depression. This past week, my demons returned after several months' hiatus. I'm still at war with them as I type this, actually. There was no one thing that summoned their return, but rather a series of thoughts that spiraled me into a dark place. At first, I was sad and disappointed that I didn't make it into block as I had so wanted to do this semester. It felt as if even though I studied hard and busted my..ahem..I had been defeated. Still, wanting to remain positive about the situation, I told myself that there was a silver lining to all of this. I would have a chance to bring up my GPA even further, have a chance to refresh my memory in the classes I'm retaking, and also would be able to get myself together enough to be ready when the time comes. The positive thoughts didn't last long. 

      By the time this past weekend arrived, it felt as though I were in a place of no return. Friday, I was in the bathroom fixing my hair after work, listening to a song called "I'll See You Yesterday" by Mindy McCready. Mindy battled her own addiction and depression demons before they overpowered her. She sadly commited suicide in 2013, and the song I mentioned was her last. Ironically it was written to promote suicide prevention. I listened intently to the lyrics, feeling that same heartache for her and when that combined with my own feelings, I broke down. I stood there crying for a while, and for the rest of the night, I kept playing that song. Her words felt so deep to me. By Saturday I had started sharing my dark thoughts with a few people, but still felt so heavy with sadness, desperation, loneliness, and just a feeling of not caring anymore. Sunday brought the worst of it. While I was getting dressed for work, I was on the floor, and broke down once more. This time I started feeling like I had finally lost control and began to slip away. I remember crying and quietly saying I was going to kill myself, preferably by hanging. But in that same span, I started to think about every person who would be affected by my decision. It was then I told myself I had to stop crying and get ready for work. Mind you the breakdown lasted about 10 minutes but if I hadn't stopped myself, it could have lasted for much longer. I definitely could have cried the rest of the day. 

     That isn't the first time that has happened, and it likely won't be the last. I have frequently felt I don't matter and that my life has been a waste. When those feelings hit, it's as if time stops. I start by feeling numb and the longer the depression lasts, the less I function. I have grown tired of feeling like this and will likely seek counseling in the near future. Through this, I would like to gain some control back. I would like to be able to take this beast by the horns and maybe one day, I'll defeat it.

Here and Now

Since my last post, well over a year ago, a lot has taken place. A couple of months later, a year ago tomorrow to be exact, we moved across town. Once I felt I had the transportation thing figured out, two of our managers at Sherwood lost their jobs, and a whole new group of people came into the picture. It was then I started having issues with distance and money, but I put off making life easier for myself because I did not want to leave the comfort and familiarity of where I worked. I ended up going to overnights, because something happened with school, and suddenly I had time on my hands I didn't think I would have. That shift is NOT for everyone, and it is anything but calm or peaceful. That being said, the hours were plentiful and the money was great, but I found myself frustrated more often than not. Still, I got to drink coffee the whole shift! Mmm, coffee, loaded with sugar and cream, sometimes iced. I worked New Year's Eve overnight this past year and got a real taste of what busy was. This one chick kept having me make her drink for her, and putting up with her crowd. I only did it because I didn't realize I could refuse to. Did she not see how busy we were? I told my best friend this story and she laughed at the way I told this tale and at the part where I told her I was tipped a whole dollar. Great, I had money for two cookies. Got milk?

  I eventually got off that shift and the weekend overnights when the semester got into full swing. It was just too much. Taking a full load of courses proved to be more than enough, especially considering how late I would get off some nights. I wouldn't have minded that if I didn't have morning classes every day, but I made it through. 

  I finally transferred two weeks ago and am finally saving money. School will be payed off from last semester in no time, then I register for Fall. Once that's done, I start chipping away at that bill so when DARS is applied, I will have a smaller balance. I have other stuff I am planning on, so watch this space.

May 2013 Update

     Mother's Day is coming up. This used to be a day of happiness and joy, but it brings me nothing but pain now. Mom died in 2008 and I don't have a relationship with my birth mom, but not because I didn't try. She's just not the kind of person you bond with. She seemed kind of detached the last time I saw her, and it was like somewhere within herself, she decided I had turned out fine without her and that I would continue to be that way..
     Mom meant the world to me and then some. Earlier when I was remembering all the things she did, I remembered this one time I had been sick with asthma as a child..again. It was during the cooler months, so of course there were problems with it. Anyway, I remember being asleep when I felt someone lift up the back of my pajama top and put their ear to my back to listen for wheezing. I knew it was her and wasn't startled. She ended up crawling into my bed with me and sleeping next to me all the rest of that night. That was only one way in which she showed her love and concern, but today as I remembered that night, it touched me and made me cry a little. She is so missed, it's not funny. I feel like I hit the adoption lottery when God gave me my parents, and will never understand why He took them away.
     The day came and went and I made it through just fine. I posted my usual piece of advice/tribute and after I said my piece, that was really it. I had lunch at home with my sisters and went off to work.
    Now I sit here typing 9 days later. It is nearly 4 AM and for some reason, the urge to write is as strong as it is any other time. I see compliments on pictures of other family members from someone who never compliments my pictures, and I feel invisible, but I feel that way to this person all the time. Other family members are very much visible. Idk if it's because of something I did or didn't do, or if  the way I turned out is somehow unacceptable to her. I overhear talk sometimes about what people think of me and to be honest, I struggle at those times to bite my tongue. I include very few people in my daily life because I simply am tired of trying to convince myself that they are even slightly interested. It's a lot of the reason why when I finally get my crap together and leave, I won't really be around. Those who have my number will know where to reach me. I'm not depressed, and  I have the mentality to do whatever I want to do and to be successful. My problem is that I get too comfortable. It is so easy to fall into a routine and just keep things as they are, and the Asperger's complicates this even further. Human beings, by nature are creatures of habit, and I also have this way of managing to make things harder than they have to be.

December stuff

One goal accomplished, so many more to reach. That's pretty much the way things usually are, but at least with getting back into school, I feel like things are going in the right direction. This coming semester will only have two classes, but I have to buy five books. The British Lit class has four and they're all pretty cheap. I get to read Beowulf again, after having read it in English IV nine years ago, not to mention Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Those were the two that stood out the most as far as the class, and then I have to buy this bundle package for ECH 3350, so I'm thinking software is involved, and that I will have to register on some website to work..maybe Taskstream. I hope so, but I haven't touched my page in two years, and I couldn't figure out how to switch two assignments. Other than that, Maxedon said it looked good, and I have her again for this class. Woot!

Elaine and I went to Blanek's for breakfast last week, and as usual, people felt the need to stare at us. They always stare at us! We are two people, minding our own damn business, just trying to blend in, and yet we always attract dirty looks and stares. We know why. We know people are nosy, judgemental, and generally clueless, and don't seem to understand that there is nothing wrong with two women eating breakfast together and having a good time. We have been best friends for going on two decades, and honestly, this whole thing is getting awkward. It's one of the reasons I won't go back to Kozy Kitchen. The waitress there was no different. She was wearing some blouse with crosses all over it (not hard to find in a town like this one) and kept leaning in toward us, like somehow she was going to fix something she didn't like about us. Now, I'm not coming out of any closet here, whether it be a figurative one, or the one people seem to have built around us. Those who I spend most of my time with know that the only identity I cling to is the one I made for myself. I'm not the type to condemn others for being "different" either. I know what it is to have that happen, and to be honest, this whole gay thing has been following us since the sixth grade when someone at school decided to start a rumor about Elaine and I. We were 12 years old then and barely had any real idea about what that meant.  Thank God there was no such thing as social media back then. The poor kids of today who are going through similar trials have so much more to worry about than the occasional pointing and whispering that we put up with. The reason both of us act like we're tough is because we've had to.  Oh, and FYI, I have only dated guys up to this point, with little success. I'm not the dating type, unless some kind of miracle occurs and someone special just appears out of nowhere. Not that it matters, because I don't flirt with people.  It could be the whole personality bit, but I firmly believe it's the Asperger's affecting my behavior, but it really doesn't matter.

Things I Wanted to Tell You But Never Did

Hi. I see you deleted me from your friends list tonight, saying I was very rude and complaining that I never talked to you despite your efforts to be a good friend. The truth is, I have been busy with life and since our, well my, best friend we used to share warned me that you were behaving toward me in much the same way before you did what you did to her and her family, I was a bit cautious. But it's OK. I've actually been wanting to say a lot of things to you, but wasn't really sure how.

Lets start with how you perceive the reasoning behind the lack of words. You think it's because of what happened between you and her last summer. It wasn't so much that, although what happened did play a small part. The truth is, we grew apart. You found someone else to be your best friend and moved on with life, forgetting the fact that this other girl and I were your friends long before this new person was. Now, truth be told, yes all of us are human and fully capable of errors, but things really never did recover between us after that. After things blew up with my best friend, who you hurt, I decided to still help you with the bridal shower last summer. Costs were split for the price of food and decorations, your best friend and I cleaned the area of the house that was going to be used, we all prepared (her family included) the food for you and everyone who showed up, and in the end, you gave her all the credit for the work. ALL the credit, for the work, that both of us did. You even posed with her at the party and posted it to your Facebook and said you had such a loving best friend for doing that for you. Forget me.

Oh, and I wanted to be in your wedding, but you never asked or offered a place. I didn't want to go that badly after all that had happened but decided to be a good sport and go anyway. Remember all of those pictures that were taken of all of your friends that day, and all the different poses? I was in those pictures, too. But none of those were posted on your wall. There is one, where you can see the back of my head. Thanks.

After all that was said and done, I was looking through your photos one night and saw without a doubt, that you had moved on and found other friends, so I decided enough was enough and blocked you and your best friend. It was hard, but it had to be done. Thing was, you still had my number and when you discovered this, you kept texting, so I, like an idiot, re added you. Halloween I unfriended you again, after just giving up. You clearly were doing just fine, and so was I. Doing it wasn't so hard this time around.

Then this last time, you said you had come to your senses after your new best friend stabbed you in the back. We messaged back and forth for a while and I put you back on my list of friends, but with caution. Then you kept asking me and asking me to try and convince my friend to be friends with you again. The chances of that happening were slim and you probably knew that. I stopped talking to you mostly over that. I must admit, when you want something, you really know how to go after it.

School started a couple of weeks ago and between that and work, I don't have a lot of time to do much else. I work nights and when I'm not there, I'm at home, reading or studying. You think I was ignoring you, but in truth, well I was actually, but it's school and school is really important. I couldn't allow a lot of distraction. Sorry you felt the way you did, and that you don't seem to understand. Have a nice life.