The "D" word

Depression. This past week, my demons returned after several months' hiatus. I'm still at war with them as I type this, actually. There was no one thing that summoned their return, but rather a series of thoughts that spiraled me into a dark place. At first, I was sad and disappointed that I didn't make it into block as I had so wanted to do this semester. It felt as if even though I studied hard and busted my..ahem..I had been defeated. Still, wanting to remain positive about the situation, I told myself that there was a silver lining to all of this. I would have a chance to bring up my GPA even further, have a chance to refresh my memory in the classes I'm retaking, and also would be able to get myself together enough to be ready when the time comes. The positive thoughts didn't last long. 

      By the time this past weekend arrived, it felt as though I were in a place of no return. Friday, I was in the bathroom fixing my hair after work, listening to a song called "I'll See You Yesterday" by Mindy McCready. Mindy battled her own addiction and depression demons before they overpowered her. She sadly commited suicide in 2013, and the song I mentioned was her last. Ironically it was written to promote suicide prevention. I listened intently to the lyrics, feeling that same heartache for her and when that combined with my own feelings, I broke down. I stood there crying for a while, and for the rest of the night, I kept playing that song. Her words felt so deep to me. By Saturday I had started sharing my dark thoughts with a few people, but still felt so heavy with sadness, desperation, loneliness, and just a feeling of not caring anymore. Sunday brought the worst of it. While I was getting dressed for work, I was on the floor, and broke down once more. This time I started feeling like I had finally lost control and began to slip away. I remember crying and quietly saying I was going to kill myself, preferably by hanging. But in that same span, I started to think about every person who would be affected by my decision. It was then I told myself I had to stop crying and get ready for work. Mind you the breakdown lasted about 10 minutes but if I hadn't stopped myself, it could have lasted for much longer. I definitely could have cried the rest of the day. 

     That isn't the first time that has happened, and it likely won't be the last. I have frequently felt I don't matter and that my life has been a waste. When those feelings hit, it's as if time stops. I start by feeling numb and the longer the depression lasts, the less I function. I have grown tired of feeling like this and will likely seek counseling in the near future. Through this, I would like to gain some control back. I would like to be able to take this beast by the horns and maybe one day, I'll defeat it.