Mother's Day is coming up. This used to be a day of happiness and joy, but it brings me nothing but pain now. Mom died in 2008 and I don't have a relationship with my birth mom, but not because I didn't try. She's just not the kind of person you bond with. She seemed kind of detached the last time I saw her, and it was like somewhere within herself, she decided I had turned out fine without her and that I would continue to be that way..
Mom meant the world to me and then some. Earlier when I was remembering all the things she did, I remembered this one time I had been sick with asthma as a child..again. It was during the cooler months, so of course there were problems with it. Anyway, I remember being asleep when I felt someone lift up the back of my pajama top and put their ear to my back to listen for wheezing. I knew it was her and wasn't startled. She ended up crawling into my bed with me and sleeping next to me all the rest of that night. That was only one way in which she showed her love and concern, but today as I remembered that night, it touched me and made me cry a little. She is so missed, it's not funny. I feel like I hit the adoption lottery when God gave me my parents, and will never understand why He took them away.
The day came and went and I made it through just fine. I posted my usual piece of advice/tribute and after I said my piece, that was really it. I had lunch at home with my sisters and went off to work.
Now I sit here typing 9 days later. It is nearly 4 AM and for some reason, the urge to write is as strong as it is any other time. I see compliments on pictures of other family members from someone who never compliments my pictures, and I feel invisible, but I feel that way to this person all the time. Other family members are very much visible. Idk if it's because of something I did or didn't do, or if the way I turned out is somehow unacceptable to her. I overhear talk sometimes about what people think of me and to be honest, I struggle at those times to bite my tongue. I include very few people in my daily life because I simply am tired of trying to convince myself that they are even slightly interested. It's a lot of the reason why when I finally get my crap together and leave, I won't really be around. Those who have my number will know where to reach me. I'm not depressed, and I have the mentality to do whatever I want to do and to be successful. My problem is that I get too comfortable. It is so easy to fall into a routine and just keep things as they are, and the Asperger's complicates this even further. Human beings, by nature are creatures of habit, and I also have this way of managing to make things harder than they have to be.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
December stuff
One goal accomplished, so many more to reach. That's pretty much the way things usually are, but at least with getting back into school, I feel like things are going in the right direction. This coming semester will only have two classes, but I have to buy five books. The British Lit class has four and they're all pretty cheap. I get to read Beowulf again, after having read it in English IV nine years ago, not to mention Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Those were the two that stood out the most as far as the class, and then I have to buy this bundle package for ECH 3350, so I'm thinking software is involved, and that I will have to register on some website to work..maybe Taskstream. I hope so, but I haven't touched my page in two years, and I couldn't figure out how to switch two assignments. Other than that, Maxedon said it looked good, and I have her again for this class. Woot!
Elaine and I went to Blanek's for breakfast last week, and as usual, people felt the need to stare at us. They always stare at us! We are two people, minding our own damn business, just trying to blend in, and yet we always attract dirty looks and stares. We know why. We know people are nosy, judgemental, and generally clueless, and don't seem to understand that there is nothing wrong with two women eating breakfast together and having a good time. We have been best friends for going on two decades, and honestly, this whole thing is getting awkward. It's one of the reasons I won't go back to Kozy Kitchen. The waitress there was no different. She was wearing some blouse with crosses all over it (not hard to find in a town like this one) and kept leaning in toward us, like somehow she was going to fix something she didn't like about us. Now, I'm not coming out of any closet here, whether it be a figurative one, or the one people seem to have built around us. Those who I spend most of my time with know that the only identity I cling to is the one I made for myself. I'm not the type to condemn others for being "different" either. I know what it is to have that happen, and to be honest, this whole gay thing has been following us since the sixth grade when someone at school decided to start a rumor about Elaine and I. We were 12 years old then and barely had any real idea about what that meant. Thank God there was no such thing as social media back then. The poor kids of today who are going through similar trials have so much more to worry about than the occasional pointing and whispering that we put up with. The reason both of us act like we're tough is because we've had to. Oh, and FYI, I have only dated guys up to this point, with little success. I'm not the dating type, unless some kind of miracle occurs and someone special just appears out of nowhere. Not that it matters, because I don't flirt with people. It could be the whole personality bit, but I firmly believe it's the Asperger's affecting my behavior, but it really doesn't matter.
Elaine and I went to Blanek's for breakfast last week, and as usual, people felt the need to stare at us. They always stare at us! We are two people, minding our own damn business, just trying to blend in, and yet we always attract dirty looks and stares. We know why. We know people are nosy, judgemental, and generally clueless, and don't seem to understand that there is nothing wrong with two women eating breakfast together and having a good time. We have been best friends for going on two decades, and honestly, this whole thing is getting awkward. It's one of the reasons I won't go back to Kozy Kitchen. The waitress there was no different. She was wearing some blouse with crosses all over it (not hard to find in a town like this one) and kept leaning in toward us, like somehow she was going to fix something she didn't like about us. Now, I'm not coming out of any closet here, whether it be a figurative one, or the one people seem to have built around us. Those who I spend most of my time with know that the only identity I cling to is the one I made for myself. I'm not the type to condemn others for being "different" either. I know what it is to have that happen, and to be honest, this whole gay thing has been following us since the sixth grade when someone at school decided to start a rumor about Elaine and I. We were 12 years old then and barely had any real idea about what that meant. Thank God there was no such thing as social media back then. The poor kids of today who are going through similar trials have so much more to worry about than the occasional pointing and whispering that we put up with. The reason both of us act like we're tough is because we've had to. Oh, and FYI, I have only dated guys up to this point, with little success. I'm not the dating type, unless some kind of miracle occurs and someone special just appears out of nowhere. Not that it matters, because I don't flirt with people. It could be the whole personality bit, but I firmly believe it's the Asperger's affecting my behavior, but it really doesn't matter.
Things I Wanted to Tell You But Never Did
Hi. I see you deleted me from your friends list tonight, saying I was very rude and complaining that I never talked to you despite your efforts to be a good friend. The truth is, I have been busy with life and since our, well my, best friend we used to share warned me that you were behaving toward me in much the same way before you did what you did to her and her family, I was a bit cautious. But it's OK. I've actually been wanting to say a lot of things to you, but wasn't really sure how.
Lets start with how you perceive the reasoning behind the lack of words. You think it's because of what happened between you and her last summer. It wasn't so much that, although what happened did play a small part. The truth is, we grew apart. You found someone else to be your best friend and moved on with life, forgetting the fact that this other girl and I were your friends long before this new person was. Now, truth be told, yes all of us are human and fully capable of errors, but things really never did recover between us after that. After things blew up with my best friend, who you hurt, I decided to still help you with the bridal shower last summer. Costs were split for the price of food and decorations, your best friend and I cleaned the area of the house that was going to be used, we all prepared (her family included) the food for you and everyone who showed up, and in the end, you gave her all the credit for the work. ALL the credit, for the work, that both of us did. You even posed with her at the party and posted it to your Facebook and said you had such a loving best friend for doing that for you. Forget me.
Oh, and I wanted to be in your wedding, but you never asked or offered a place. I didn't want to go that badly after all that had happened but decided to be a good sport and go anyway. Remember all of those pictures that were taken of all of your friends that day, and all the different poses? I was in those pictures, too. But none of those were posted on your wall. There is one, where you can see the back of my head. Thanks.
After all that was said and done, I was looking through your photos one night and saw without a doubt, that you had moved on and found other friends, so I decided enough was enough and blocked you and your best friend. It was hard, but it had to be done. Thing was, you still had my number and when you discovered this, you kept texting, so I, like an idiot, re added you. Halloween I unfriended you again, after just giving up. You clearly were doing just fine, and so was I. Doing it wasn't so hard this time around.
Then this last time, you said you had come to your senses after your new best friend stabbed you in the back. We messaged back and forth for a while and I put you back on my list of friends, but with caution. Then you kept asking me and asking me to try and convince my friend to be friends with you again. The chances of that happening were slim and you probably knew that. I stopped talking to you mostly over that. I must admit, when you want something, you really know how to go after it.
School started a couple of weeks ago and between that and work, I don't have a lot of time to do much else. I work nights and when I'm not there, I'm at home, reading or studying. You think I was ignoring you, but in truth, well I was actually, but it's school and school is really important. I couldn't allow a lot of distraction. Sorry you felt the way you did, and that you don't seem to understand. Have a nice life.
Lets start with how you perceive the reasoning behind the lack of words. You think it's because of what happened between you and her last summer. It wasn't so much that, although what happened did play a small part. The truth is, we grew apart. You found someone else to be your best friend and moved on with life, forgetting the fact that this other girl and I were your friends long before this new person was. Now, truth be told, yes all of us are human and fully capable of errors, but things really never did recover between us after that. After things blew up with my best friend, who you hurt, I decided to still help you with the bridal shower last summer. Costs were split for the price of food and decorations, your best friend and I cleaned the area of the house that was going to be used, we all prepared (her family included) the food for you and everyone who showed up, and in the end, you gave her all the credit for the work. ALL the credit, for the work, that both of us did. You even posed with her at the party and posted it to your Facebook and said you had such a loving best friend for doing that for you. Forget me.
Oh, and I wanted to be in your wedding, but you never asked or offered a place. I didn't want to go that badly after all that had happened but decided to be a good sport and go anyway. Remember all of those pictures that were taken of all of your friends that day, and all the different poses? I was in those pictures, too. But none of those were posted on your wall. There is one, where you can see the back of my head. Thanks.
After all that was said and done, I was looking through your photos one night and saw without a doubt, that you had moved on and found other friends, so I decided enough was enough and blocked you and your best friend. It was hard, but it had to be done. Thing was, you still had my number and when you discovered this, you kept texting, so I, like an idiot, re added you. Halloween I unfriended you again, after just giving up. You clearly were doing just fine, and so was I. Doing it wasn't so hard this time around.
Then this last time, you said you had come to your senses after your new best friend stabbed you in the back. We messaged back and forth for a while and I put you back on my list of friends, but with caution. Then you kept asking me and asking me to try and convince my friend to be friends with you again. The chances of that happening were slim and you probably knew that. I stopped talking to you mostly over that. I must admit, when you want something, you really know how to go after it.
School started a couple of weeks ago and between that and work, I don't have a lot of time to do much else. I work nights and when I'm not there, I'm at home, reading or studying. You think I was ignoring you, but in truth, well I was actually, but it's school and school is really important. I couldn't allow a lot of distraction. Sorry you felt the way you did, and that you don't seem to understand. Have a nice life.
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